I'm o.k, I'm all write.

Whoa.

2012-02-05T00:21:00.002-06:00

I guess it's been a while, huh?

Oops.

Click A Link, Win a Prize!

2011-08-01T20:33:00.000-05:00

The prize you win is a brand spankin' new story I wrote and submitted to an online literary magazine called Forty Ounce Bachelors.

Actually, you win the entire online literary magazine. Poke around the August 2011 issue (Volume 1, Issue 3) and read the other offerings. But when you get to the fiction section, there I am!

FortyOunceBachelors

For those of you who don't have time to poke around, here's the direct link to my story.

Enjoy!

If you listen close, you can hear "Me and Julio Down by the School Yard"

A St. Louis Institution You've Probably Never Heard of Is Dead

2011-07-11T22:03:00.000-05:00

Imagine, if you will, a bright-eyed and innocent eleven year old boy, awkwardly tall and skinny, with longish brown hair and a style one would equate with a person who was trying their best to be a hippie even though they didn't quite know what a hippie was or what they really looked like. That boy you are imagining is me, and I want you to imagine me as this boy on an unseasonably warm mid-February morning in 1994. Got it? Good.

I was in fifth grade at the time, a student in Mrs. Sach's class on the third floor of Avery Elementary, and Miss Payne, our music instructor, had just given us the information we needed to be ready to take our music placement tests for our pending transfer to Steger Sixth Grade Center, where we would either choose choir or band. For those of us making the smart decision to choose band, the placement test would determine whether or not we got our first, second or third choice of instrument or, failing that, if we would be assigned the flute. I knew that I wanted to play Trumpet. My older sister played saxophone and, being that as I understood brass players to be the rivals of woodwinds, and being that I wanted to remain my sister's rival because, at the time, I was eleven and she was 14 and we were required by the laws of nature to hate each other[citation needed], I knew I was making the right choice.

My father, a percussionist, drummer and high school band director in his own right, was heavily involved in my decision making process, in that he asked me which instrument I wanted to play and told me exactly what kind of trumpet I should rent to start out with and what kind he hoped he could buy me when I was older and could play really well. So before the placement test even happened, Dad announced he would take me to Mel Bay Music Center to rent me a trumpet, so I could get a jump start on the other kids. "But first," he told me on this particularly warm Saturday in February of 1994, "I have to run to the drum shop."

I had probably been in the drum shop before, I'm sure. My father used to go there all the time for drum heads, new sticks, marimba mallets, etc. I am almost positive that I'd been in there with him a few times. But something happened this time.

We walked into Drum Headquarters on Manchester Road and I stood stock still. Everywhere I looked, light glinted off of finished woods painted in the full spectrum of colors. To my right, cymbals shimmered golden under overhead spotlights. Men and boys were banging on drums and cymbals everywhere. Banging on them with sticks. I knew my dad played drums; I'd seen them in the basement. I'd seen him play dozens if not hundreds of concerts with a myriad of bands across every style of music conceivable. I had sat at my father's drum set, picked up sticks, and hit everything in sight with a fury unmatched by primal man in his day. I knew of this world, but when I walked into it that day, I discovered that I wanted to belong. My father found me hours later salivating under a Zildjian Paper Thin Crash. "Come on, we're picking you up a trumpet," he said, recognizing with fear the gleam in my eye. "How about," I said, "instead, I just get...a pair of...drumsticks...?" We never made it to the other store and I never learned how to play trumpet.

That was the magic of Drum Headquarters. Every time I entered the store, somebody was trying out a new snare drum or whacking a cymbal. Somewhere in the back a drum lesson was going on. A television mounted above the display models of top-of-the-line sets was always playing a video of Buddy Rich, Gene Krupa, Papa Jo Jones, Max Roach. The place was staffed by drummers who played out, who knew about the latest technological advances in bass drum pedal technology. It was noisy and colorful and wonderful every time you stepped in.

Throughout my teenage years, I was in the store at least once a week, picking up new sticks or new drum heads or scoping out a new hi-hat set. Birthdays and Christmases always provided DHQ gift certificates. I drooled over the Yamaha Stage Custom until I saw the Tama Swingstar, which I drooled over until the Rockstar came in, and then I couldn't decide and drooled over all three. I ended up with the Stage Custom but got to play a Swingstar in my high school Jazz Band. I only ever bought one piece of equipment from a store other than DHQ, and the experience made me never want to shop anywhere else but DHQ for my percussion needs.

Sadly, as I grew up and abandoned serious playing in favor of more casual musicianship, my visits became increasingly infrequent. In fact, the last time I was in there was probably two years ago, buying a new pair of drum sticks. I still felt that tingle, that excitement running through me. Being able not only to see the newest drums, but to feel them, run my fingers over the finish, give them each a good thwack if I feel like it; there's nothing like it.

This message was posted on the Drum Headquarters website last week:

Customers, friends and colleagues,

I regret to inform you that effective Thursday, July 7, Drum Headquarters is closed for business. These are difficult times for specialized retailers and of course, Drum Headquarters is no exception. Since purchasing the business in 2005, a perfect storm of events including epic negative economic conditions and the accelerating changes brought on by technology have produced a wave of challenges bigger than I could withstand. I've been a part of Drum Headquarters since 1983, so this is not an easy announcement to make. But, I've done everything in my power to keep the doors of Drum Headquarters open and it is no longer possible.

Customers with unfinished business will be contacted directly.

The Lesson program will continue through the month of July. You will be contacted with instructions by your teacher.

THERE IS NO LIQUIDATION SALE SCHEDULED AT THIS TIME. Please continue to monitor DrumHeadquarters.com for updates.

You can communicate with us via email at JimDrumHQ@aol.com

Thank you for 30 years of support, fun and friendship.

Jim Uding

We all know the economy is bad, but there are other factors alluded to. The growing technology changes, for instance, refer to the Internet. Look, I love the Internet. I am no Luddite when it comes to eCommerce. I get it; it's easier to purchase some things online. I will even admit, though I hate to, that buying books and music and movies online is not only cheaper but is often easier than going to a brick and mortar store, especially an independent one like the ones I frequent. But there are some things that just should NOT be purchased online. Like musical instruments. Even five hundred identical snare drums rolling off an assembly line will each sound slightly different. And without going to a store, how do you know what a certain drum (cymbal/guitar/trumpet/saxophone/violin/flute/oboe/mandolin etc) is supposed to sound like (this is something booksellers are complaining about, too, in that customers come to a brick and mortar store to look at a book and then purchase it online from Amazon, sometimes right there in the store with an iPhone)?

Since DHQ is now closed, there are only three or four places drummers can go to pick up a new set in the area: Fred Pierce's Drum Studio, a shop much like DHQ; Mozingo's Music, a more general shop that doesn't just specialize in drums; Guitar Center (a place I only have bad things to say about); and a Best Buy with the instrument shop (meh). Only a few years ago, we also had McMurray Music Center, which was the kind of independent shop Guitar Center is modeled on and which, sadly, became a Guitar Center. As these specialty shops disappear, they get replaced with stores who deal in volume sales. Sure, they're cheaper, but the staff are less knowledgeable, less helpful and less permanent. The guy behind the counter that day in 1994 was Jim, the man who purchased the shop six years ago and who had to shut down last week. Other staff members may have come and gone over the years, but they did so slowly, and almost always left for jobs in the music industry. These specialty shops are staffed by passionate professionals who really know what they're doing. And they're disappearing faster than we can blog about them.

Thank you, Drum Headquarters, for changing my life and helping me share one of my passions for many years. You will be missed.

To Do:

2011-06-27T22:28:00.000-05:00

1. Update blog.

2. Continue to update blog.

3. Post a cute picture to lure readers back to my blog.

4. Write every day.

I can check numbers 1 and 3 off my list.

Juliette finds Amethyst; film at 11

30 Day Song Challenge Day 30 - Your Favorite Song at This Time Last Year

2011-05-09T23:47:00.001-05:00

Without a doubt, the album I was driving Kathy crazy with at this time last year was my still recently acquired copy of the eponymous debut from Broken Bells. And if there's one track on that album I listened to repeatedly, it was the album's closing track.

So, I end my 30 Day Song Challenge with my favorite closing track of 2010, off my second favorite album of 2010. The band is Broken Bells, the album is Broken Bells and the song is "The Mall and Misery." My favorite track by far, parts of it feel like it could have emerged from a band like Tears for Fears in the 80's-but without the mullets and sweaters-and other parts feel more contemporary. And feel how instead of fading or ending it just kind of vanishes at the end. Ah! Enjoy.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Twenty Nine - A Song From Your Childhood

2011-05-08T23:08:00.000-05:00

Hanging out and listening to music with my parents wasn't all childhood misogyny; many of my best memories include listening to music. And in accordance with it being Mother's Day and all, I'd like to say Happy Mother's Day to my mom, my wife, my grandma, my mother-in-law, my sister, and all the other moms out there. Seriously, Moms do good work.

Also in accordance with Mother's Day, and to refute the idea that all of my word and song associations which go with my mother relate through the lens of guilt, here's a bit of pure enjoyment I can recall: My mother, upon receiving a CD copy of this album, listened to it start to finish while singing along and dancing through the house. Especially vivid is the final track to this album, so that is what I'm picking.

The band is The Moody Blues, the album is Days of Future Passed and the song is "Nights in White Satin" so sit back, revel in the amazing prog-rockness of it all, and enjoy.

Other finalists: "Tuesday Afternoon" from the same album, "Little Red Riding Hood" by Sam the Sham and the Pharohs and pretty much anything off of Weird Al Yankovic's Dare to Be Stupid.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Twenty Eight - A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty

2011-05-07T23:34:00.000-05:00

So, for years as a child I would bristle whenever I heard a woman singing a song on the radio. I would also call my mom out for singing along with a song if it was being sung by a guy. "Mom, that's a man singing, it's not supposed to be sung by a girl. I'm sure my mother was none too pleased about this. She probably feared I'd turn into some chauvinistic asshole who belittles his wife and crushes beer cans on his head. But I eventually got over it and plus, beer is meant to be consumed from special glasses which provide adequate surface area on which bubbles can form and proportioned openings so the aroma of the beer can fully penetrate your nasal passages while you drink. Duh. Pfft, cans.

Anyway, I got over it. I let my mother sing along with the radio. I even learned to love Grace Slick, Stevie Nicks, Janice Joplin and from them decided that some woman definitely know how to rock.

But every time I listen to a song sung by a female voice, I feel guilty about my preadolescent sexism. So today, you get to hear a song from kind of a super group of 90's girl band stars.

The band is Wild Flag, and the track is from the Future Crimes/Glass Tambourines 7" (released on Record Store Day 2011) and it's called "Future Crimes." And I hope you enjoy it. (my options for the video were this weird photo tribute or live videos with sub-par sound, so I chose audio quality)

30 Day Song Challenge Day Twenty Seven - A Song That You Wish You Could Play

2011-05-06T20:37:00.000-05:00

Every one. Every single song ever.

Maybe not...there's a lot of crap.

This song is from a band called The Slip, off their album Eisenhower which has the most unfortunate opening track ever, "The Children of December," which upon hearing I had to fight the urge to write off the entire rest of the record. But I had heard "Even Rats" on NPR's World Cafe so I knew there was likely to be at least one other gem. And I was right. The song in question is called "Airplane/Primitive" and the only reason I can't play it is because I've never actually tried to figure it out. One of these days, I will. I mean, come on, I can play "Stairway to Heaven" and I can stumble through "Dust in the Wind," I should be able to figure this one out. Right?

30 Day Song Challenge Day Twenty Six - A Song That You Can Play on An Instrument

2011-05-05T20:10:00.000-05:00

For the record, instruments I can play in descending order of proficiency (not counting various tiny percussion toys): Drums, guitar, bass guitar, keyboard percussion (marimba, vibraphone, xylophone), harmonica, piano (very small amount of those last two).

Instruments on which I can play the forthcoming tune: Drums, guitar (but not the solo), bass.

I also have been known to sing occasionally, and singers often call their voice their "instrument." As for the song, I will only give one line of introduction.

This is a song about hope.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Twenty Five - A Song That Makes You Laugh

2011-05-04T23:23:00.000-05:00

For the last verse especially, this song makes me chuckle.

The song is by Nerf Herder, off their 1996 self titled album, and the song is "Van Halen."

"Is this what you wanted?/Sammy Hagar?/Sammy Hagar/Is this what you wanted man?/Dave lost his hairline/But you lost your cool, buddy/Can't drive fifty-five/I'll never buy your lousy records again."

Also, happy Star Wars Day. May the 4th Be With You. Awesome how today coincided with day 25 of the challenge and I happened to pick a band whose name is inspired by a line from Star Wars.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Twenty Four - A Song That You Want to Play At Your Funeral

2011-05-03T23:54:00.000-05:00

The syntax is all wrong. "A song that you want to play at your funeral." First off, I'll have nothing to do with any songs being played at my funeral. I'll be dead. Second off, I always think of a second thing to add to a list.

The year is 1970. The band is The Beatles. The song is "Let it Be" off of the aptly titled Let it Be. Please remember, everyone, that this was their last studio album. And possibly my favorite. Better than the White album, even. And, my daughter once fell asleep in my arms as I sang this song to her. My heart melted kind of a lot.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Twenty Three - A Song That You Want To Play At Your Wedding

2011-05-02T23:29:00.000-05:00

Considering I'm already married, I probably don't need to pick a new song.

Amongst the number of songs that were played at our wedding, our first dance as a couple was to Rod Stewart's version of "That's All" but my favorite bit of the dance was the last of the "wedding party" dances during which we invited everyone to dance.

Bobby Darin singing "Beyond the Sea." Because we're just awesome and classic like that.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Twenty Two - A Song That You Listen To When You're Sad

2011-05-01T19:53:00.000-05:00

Just listen to it. It's by The Antlers, off their 2009 debut Hospice. It's called "Kettering" and it's indicative of the entire amazing album.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Twenty One - A Song That You Listen to When You're Happy

2011-05-01T19:47:00.000-05:00

Again, skipped a day. My bad.

I just like listening to music when I'm happy, any music. But I guess I have to come up with something, huh?

Alright then, I chose a song off Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros' 2009 album Up From Below which I'm sure you've heard in six hundred car commercials, two dozen sitcoms and a limitless number of trailers for Indie films. It's called "Home" and it's a pretty positive and happy tune.

Best use of this song ever found here:

30 Day Song Challenge Day Twenty - A Song That You Listen To When You're Angry

2011-04-29T23:51:00.001-05:00

Oh. My. Hm. I tend to, um, well...?

I just flipped through my iPod and pretended I was pissed off and stopped at the first song I would want to listen to, which just happens to be "How Soon is Now?" from 1985's Meat is Murder by The Smiths. So that's my answer this time. And you get the full nearly seven minute version, especially for readers of the blog!

30 Day song Challenge Day Nineteen - A Song From Your Favorite Album

2011-04-28T23:57:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I was trying really hard not to repeat any albums or even any bands. But, I've already played a song off my current favorite album, a song off my favorite album from last year, and my all time favorite album from my all time favorite band.

So instead, you're getting a song from my second-favorite album of the moment. It's called "Down By the Water" off The Decemberists' 2011 release The King is Dead. I think it's awesome and also kind of sounds like "The One I Love" from R.E.M.'s 1987 release Document.

You be the judge:

30 Day Song Challenge Day Eighteen - A Song That You Wish You Heard on The Radio

2011-04-28T23:50:00.000-05:00

Woops, skipped a day. My bad.

Today's song is a brand new song, which is on an album that hasn't been released yet. But that's not why it's not on the radio. It's not on the radio because radio stations tend to not play music from this band, leastways not traditional commercial radio stations.

The song is called "Helplessness Blues" and it's off the upcoming Fleet Foxes album Helplessness Blues.

Also good for day four, a song that makes you sad. Also good for day 3, a song that makes you happy.

Seriously, I cried once today while listening to this song, and smiled all the way through it another time. But today was kind of a hard day. see here

30 Day Song Challenge Day Seventeen - A Song That You Hear Often on the Radio

2011-04-26T23:45:00.000-05:00

This one was really hard.

And I don't fully understand the visuals in this video.

NPR's "All Things Considered" Theme Music, engage!

30 Day Song Challenge Day Sixteen - A Song That You Used to Love But Now Hate

2011-04-25T23:15:00.000-05:00

In 1995, I guess I was entering my "rebellious" phase, though I recently discovered that I wasn't so much rebelling as going through the acts of rebellion, because my parents weren't the type of parents that required rebellion. They were/are pretty awesome parents. I guess I just wanted them to set boundaries so I could push them. Anyway, I got into the band Everclear and in particular, their album Sparkle and Fade. I listened to the CD for something like four months straight.

As I got older, I stopped listening to it and then one day, I think just before college, I did a purge of my CD collection and sold a handful of discs to a used record shop (probably Vintage Vinyl as that was my store of choice in those days), including that Everclear CD. I had listened to each and every one of the CDs I had and I remember very definitely throwing this one in the "get rid of this crap" pile.

Actually, listening to it just now, I can say that while it's not a very good song, it's not a particularly terrible song, so maybe I just negated the whole "pick a song you used to love but now hate" but please let it be known that at one time I loved this song, then I hated it, and now I sort of listen to it with a hint of nostalgia and just a whiff of "what was I thinking?"

The song is "Strawberry" off Everclear's 1995 release Sparkle and Fade. I'ma go demand my parents set a curfew now, just so I can rebelliously break it by at least two hours.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Fifteen - A Song That Describes You

2011-04-24T22:46:00.000-05:00

What follows is a transcript of the conversation preceding this post.

Elliot: Day fifteen, a song that describes me. Kathy?

Kathy: (with a pen between her teeth) "Teach me Tiger."

Elliot: Okay...how about another one.

Kathy: ...

Elliot: Okay, if they have it on youtube, I'll post it.

By April Stevens, released in 1959 as a single.

I...don't know, readers. I just...don't...know.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Fourteen - A Song That No One Would Expect You to Love

2011-04-23T22:18:00.000-05:00

Types of songs I hate:

Anything by Nicklecrack/Creed/any one of a dozen carbon copy bands; way-too-twangy country; manufactured corporate pop; the specific type of country song where the guy sings about how his woman done left him and took the dog and he's got tears in his eyes.

The exception: The Reverend Horton Heat, 1999, "Where In The Hell Did You Go With My Toothbrush?" from Holy Roller.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Thirteen - A Song That Is a Guilty Pleasure

2011-04-22T22:09:00.004-05:00

The fact that I like the original song is a guilty enough pleasure, but I get so much enjoyment out of the Literal Video version of Tears For Fears' "Head Over Heels" off their 1985 Release Songs From the Big Chair.

"Now the rabbi's walking right behind me/I don't know why he is following me/maybe he wants this book?"

30 Day Song Challenge Day Twelve - A Song From A Band You Hate

2011-04-21T22:09:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Don't care what album it's from. And you can figure it out. That's how much I hate this band.

FYI Nicklecrack: Doctor Hook and the Medicine Show did it way better:

30 Day Song Challenge Day Eleven - A Song From Your Favorite Band

2011-04-20T21:54:00.000-05:00

No. Brainer.

The first track off their first full length, I give you "Seven" by Sunny Day Real Estate, from Diary, 1994.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Ten - A Song That Makes You Fall Asleep

2011-04-19T21:57:00.000-05:00

We had this on a Walt Disney Lullabies Volume II VHS tape when I was growing up. It's from the Disney Short "A Cowboy Needs a Horse" and is called, aptly, "A Cowboy Needs a Horse." Starts at about the :30 mark.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Nine - A Song That You Can Dance To

2011-04-18T19:11:00.000-05:00

This video kind of gives me the creeps. Why is this old dude filming this young dude dancing like Michael Jackson? WHY? The Band is Peter, Bjorn & John, the album is 2009's Living Thing and the song is "It Don't Move Me."

30 Day Song Challenge Day Eight - A Song That You Know All the Words To

2011-04-17T23:36:00.000-05:00

The song is called "Darling Buds of May" and it's by a band from Slough, England who go by the name of Brother. And it's awesome.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Seven - A Song That Reminds You of a Certain Event

2011-04-16T21:02:00.000-05:00

Spring 1999, Sunny Day Real Estate is on their How It Feels to Be Something On tour. They stop at Mississippi Nights on Laclede's Landing. I pressed my parental units to let me go, even though I was 16 and it was a Tuesday or Wednesday night. It's a testament to the type of relationship we had, that my parents allowed me to go; we talked about how much I loved Sunny Day Real Estate, and since I never tried to hide my music from my parents (I used to make them listen to it with me, and they often and still do like some of what I play for them), so I got to go. I saved enough money for tickets, a T-shirt, and I had enough to buy CDs from the opening bands in case I wanted them, or maybe another T-shirt. I had never heard of either of the opening bands.

The first was a group called MK Ultra, and I liked them enough to buy their latest CD (it came with a free poster, too!) and then I stepped into the restroom. I peed next to this really really tall dude, and that says something coming from me. I had to look up to see him. As we washed our hands, I asked him if he liked the first band. He said yes. I asked him if he had heard of the second band, and he said no. I said I hoped they were good, and he said he hoped so, too. So I get back out and work my way up front, and the second band gets up and plays this tune, and they blow my freaking mind away, especially the drummer. After their show, I ran up to the merch table and bought their record (they were out of CDs, and it was either a record then or pay for a CD and they'd mail it to me, I didn't trust that).

The most amazing part? THE TALL DUDE WAS THE DRUMMER.

The tune is called "Crystals" and it's off the self-titled release by Heroic Doses.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Six - A Song that Reminds You of Somewhere

2011-04-15T21:17:00.001-05:00

Remember that time we were in Boston, and we were driving down the Mass Pike listening to The Get Up Kids? And we were listening to the Red Letter Day EP, and there we were on the Mass Pike, and Zach was driving Martha's parents' van, and Martha was in the front seat having recently recovered from a second bout with a brain tumor, and we we were coming back from the beach where Zach's brother Fitz had gotten in a really funny jab at the other Elliot, and then the song "Mass Pike" came on, and we all sang it at the top of our lungs? That was abso-freaking-lutely aMAzing.

True story.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Five - A Song that Reminds You of Someone

2011-04-14T19:15:00.000-05:00

This song will always and forever remind me of my daughter, Juliette, for the line at the 2:44 mark.

I've already shared this song on the blog, but here it is again because I will never get tired of it. The title track of last year's Grammy winning The Suburbs by indie rock giants Arcade Fire.

30 Day Song Challenge Day Four - A Song that Makes You Sad

2011-04-13T19:59:00.000-05:00

Last year, before South by Southwest, NPR Music released a free sampler of music which included one song from each of the bands booked for their showcase at the festival. Among them was a song I had heard once before and had thought it was rather catchy, in a "Oh, neat melody and good harmony along with standard broken-hearted boy wants girl to love him lyrics." So, you know, good, but not great.

How wrong I was. I got the sampler and listened to the song and noticed...something. Something in the lyrics, so I listened to it again. And again. And again and again and again. I made Kathy listen to it, and she heard it the first time.

The song is called "Airplanes" and it's off 2010's Gorilla Manor, the debut album of a band called Local Natives. There is an official video posted on Youtube, but I want you to listen to this unfettered, and I want you to focus on the lyrics. And tell me if you get it, and tell me if you can see why this song makes me sad.

Official Video Here

30 Day Song Challenge Day Three - A Song That Makes You Happy

2011-04-12T20:34:00.000-05:00

I won't give you a whole list of what it could be but isn't today. Instead, I'll just give you one lyric from the song: "I'm So Happy Got Me Singin' La La La." How can you not love a lyric like that? Well, I guess it depends on the band that's singing it. Like, if it were some angst-ridden suburban white boy garage band singing it with mountains upon mountains of irony, then no, it would probably not be worth liking.

But this is by Pokey LaFarge & the South City Three. It's off their 2009 release Riverboat Soul which, by the way, just won Best Americana Album at the Independent Music Awards and it's called "La La Blues."

Check them out soon at NPR's Tiny Desk Concert Series which they played today, April 12, 2011. The video should be available by sometime next week I would guess...

***Editor's Note: Yes, there might a bit of nepotism going on here. My cousin is the harmonica player in this group, but that doesn't negate my choice. They are getting tremendous national and international buzz and just released a 7" on Jack White's Third Man Records. So my shameless plugging of family is justified on this occasion.

Happy Yuri's Night

2011-04-12T00:01:00.000-05:00

50 Years ago today, a Soviet Cosmonaut named Yuri Gagarin became the first human to orbit the Earth in a spacecraft. Today, we remember him not as a Soviet but as a citizen of the world.

For more info:

Yuri Gagarin on Wikipedia
Vostok-1, the spacecraft that took Yuri to space.
Yuri's Night

30 Day Song Challenge Day Two - Your Least Favorite Song

2011-04-11T23:06:00.001-05:00

It could have been "How Far is Heaven" by Los Lonely Boys, a song famous in my household for an incident in which I vehemently changed the radio station while driving, sparking a spirited and lively debate between my wife in the passenger seat and myself. But it's not that.

Could be that terrible "Friday" song by Rebecca Black, but I don't blame her for its terribleness. She didn't write it, she just recorded it, so the blame goes squarely on the idiot who thought "Tomorrow is Saturday and afterwards comes Sunday" would ever be a good lyric. So it's not that.

It could be "Hot Dog" off of Led Zeppelin's In Through the Out Door, a song made worse by the fact that it's a terrible song by an awesome band on an otherwise good album. But not this time.

It could be any number of songs from the likes of that king of Twitter, he-who-shall-not-be-named (his initials are J.B. and Dwight from The Office thinks he's a crime fighting beaver), or some of the other terrible pop-music-factory cookie-cutter songs released since the invention of pop music (because let's not be too rosy-eyed nostalgic, crappy music came about only slightly after the invention of music itself), but it's not.

It's not even some angsty corporate "emo" like Panic! At the Disco or anything like that.

Nope, the song I picked is truly terrible because NOBODY who likes it seems to have paid any attention to the lyrics, and because of that we have all been subjected to it across various radio-station platforms from contemporary to top 40 to classic rock for the past thirty years.

But first, let me run something by you; it's a story I'm working on. The story is that this guy is in a relationship, and he is bored with the girl he's dating. Rather than talk to her about his problems, or even man up and just break the relationship off, he answers out a sleazy personal ad in the paper. He agrees to meet this new girl at a bar. When he gets there, he discovers that the person who responded to his ad is the girl he is already dating. What's more, she responded to the ad because she was bored with the relationship, and rather than talk to him about her problems or even woman up and just break the relationship off, she took out a sleazy personal ad in the paper. When this discovery is made, they just laugh about it and go off on a wild romantic getaway and have crazy rainy beach sex for a week.

The problem I'm running into here, and I'm sure you'll agree, is that I'm having a hard time making either of these characters likable. The guy is clearly an asshole for planning to cheat, but then the girl is also. They push each other away because they don't communicate. Also, at the end, neither of them is mad that the other one was planning to cheat. My thought is that this sows the seeds for both of them to cheat later, and that they've convinced themselves that it's okay because the other was planning infidelity anyway.

What, you want me to actually reveal the song.

I JUST DID! AND I JUST WRINKLED YOUR BRAIN!

30 Day Song Challenge Day One - Your Favorite Song

2011-04-10T22:45:00.000-05:00

So I heard about this thing that's happening on Facebook called the "30 Day Song Challenge" which is basically one of those internet meme things that gets you to post for 30 days straight on the same topic and, since it's been over thirty days since I've posted, I figured maybe I'd do that here instead of on Facebook, give you all something to look forward to every day. So here goes.

Day 1: Your Favorite Song

This is always a loaded thing for me. I don't really have a "Favorite Song" per se, as it changes all the time. Looking at the rest of the 30 day list, I can rule out a couple of my favorite songs because I can use them for later things very easily.

So instead, I'm going to share my favorite song that has been released so far in 2011. Again, even this is a toss-up. There have already been quite a few I've been really into, including "Darling Buds of May" by the band Brother (my current ear worm), "The Bizness" by (it kills me to have to type like this) tUnE-yArDs off the upcoming album W H O K I L L, "What I Must've Done" by The Rum Drum Ramblers off Mean Scene, not to mention any number of tracks off of Bright Eyes' The People's Key or The Decemberists' The King is Dead or "Second Chance" off Gimme Some by Peter, Bjorn and John. And now you've got tons to check out, right? Sweet.

But no, for this I've picked my favorite off 100 Lovers, the new album by gypsy-punk rockers/mariachi-rockers/indie-rockers DeVotchKa. The song is called "All the Sand in All The Sea" and it's got everything I love about this band. Give it a listen.

Review: Bambi, or, The Circle of Life pt. 1

2011-03-08T21:38:00.001-06:00

After the relative success of Dumbo, Disney decided to stick with cute animals with 1943's Bambi and, in the process, broke the hearts of several generations of children.

Based on the novel Bambi, A Life in the Woods by Austrian Felix Salten, Disney began work on this project after the completion of Snow White. The project was postponed for several reasons; at first, Walt's insistence that the animation be more realistic pushed production back, and then he pulled animators off the project to work on Fantasia. But the project remained in progress from 1938 onward. When Dumbo was completed the studio turned their attention back to Bambi with earnest. Character animators spent days studying live forest animals so they could accurately capture their movements (which slowed the animation process down considerably) while background artists traveled to the forests of Maine and Vermont to help fully realize the setting.

The film was released at a terrible time, though. The European markets were all but closed due to the war, and many viewers were put off by the realistic animation and the depiction of man within the film. This, of course, meant that as far as financially successful films go, only two of the first five Disney Animated Features qualified after their original release. In 1947, Bambi was re-released, and turned a tidy profit. Critics have shown general praise for it, as well. And children everywhere cry about it all the time.

The original book, of course, as more to it than we get in the film, but the differences are actually fairly minor so I won't go into them. Let's just jump right on into the rest of the review.

The visuals in this film are stunning; the multiplane camera work on the backgrounds is astounding while the animals look amazingly realistic when compared to what had been seen in the past. And the story has its cute moments for sure; Bambi learning to walk, to talk, to slide around on ice, exploring the world around him, it's all fun. I can remember as a child watching the "Hey ma! What's all of that white stuff?" scene over and over.

OH GOD NO!!!

I'm o.k., I'm all write: Charlie Sheen Free Since About Two Seconds Ago

But let me get down to my real gut feeling of this film; there is a sleeper villain nobody ever talks about and it bothers me.

The villain is "Man," I totally get it. Man is in the forest, which makes it dangerous for Bambi and his mother to be on the meadow. Man even (spoiler alert) kills Bambi's mother in the middle of winter, leaving poor Bambi frightened and alone. Man employs these really evil looking dogs to go after the forest animals and then burns the entire forest down. Man is evil.

Actually, let's talk about how effective this villain is. You never see any men. They are represented by the cawing of crows, gunshots, smoke, fire, and a pack of dogs. The dogs are probably the scariest of all; we've spent the entire movie feeling an emotional connection to these incredibly realistic animals and then they're being attacked by dogs, which is an animal we as a species have a generally pleasant feeling about. This is how this film gets you: the forest animals are very accurately detailed with the exception of their eyes. Their eyes are very human looking, all of them. The dogs, on the other hand (which we are used to seeing in animated films as friendly characters with anthropomorphic traits and human-like eyes) have scary, black and white beady animal eyes. It only would have been worse if the eyes had been blood red. The effect you get is that here is graphic animal-on-animal violence, and these dogs have clearly been brainwashed by evil man to do their evil bidding in an evil manner.

There is a great disturbance in the Forest

So we can all agree man creepy, dogs creepier. Good.

The sleeper villain of which I speak is none other than the good Prince of the Forest, AKA Bambi's absentee father. Look, I get that authentically, White Tail Deer bucks do not stick around and help raise the kids. I get it. But he could have at least shown some interest, yeah? He basically watched from on high while Bambi came into the world, then disappeared until one day Bambi saw him on the meadow. He doesn't even know it's his father, he just sees him and everybody else gets silent and reverent. His own mother doesn't even tell him, presumably on the orders of the Prince himself I guess. He didn't want it to be known. And then, when mom gets capped, Dad's all of a sudden got to take charge. And talk about a lack of tact. "Your mother can't be with you anymore," he says. "Come with me." Really? No further explanation. That bodes real well for your parenting skills, buddy. Your child definitely won't turn out to be conflicted or a drug addict or anything.

...good, Charlie Sheen didn't pop up again.

Especially now that I am a father, I have a hard time getting over this whole father-son relationship that happens in this movie. From what we see, they have four interactions; once on the meadow, once when Mom dies, at the very end when the two of them overlook the birth of Bambi's two children, and then once before this when Bambi has been shot. Again, no sympathy, his father just says, "Get up, Bambi." Like, come on dad, I've kind of been shot here? Also, why weren't you there, huh? When I was born? You could have stopped mom from naming me Bambi. Seriously, I feel like the Boy Named Sue here.

I understand that this all has to do with realism; Bucks don't take part in child rearing, that's fine, but you have some creative license here; it's an animated film in which animals speak English. And I mean, across species lines. That's pretty intense stepping outside the reality box. Why can't we have a little more fatherly involvement, hmm?

Also, Disney writers seemed to have forgotten this film existed for a time. What do I mean, you may ask? I'll tell you: this film opens with all the animals in a "kingdom" rushing to see the newborn prince. They get there and pay their respects. The prince then begins having childhood adventures, but before he can grow up and lead a normal royal animal life, he endures the loss of a parent and has to deal with those emotions. He then, in the course of growing up and finding himself, falls in love with a childhood friend, confronts a danger that threatens the very existence of his Kingdom, and then at the end, he takes his rightful place and watches over all the Kingdom's animals pay their respects to his newborn child.

It's the Circle of Life, and it Moves us All.

But that's a review for another day.

===

Once again, I visited the Wikipedia Entry for this film. And, once again, their reputation isn't always solid as a rock.

A Group of Peers

2011-03-07T22:46:00.000-06:00

My writing group met tonight at our dive bar. It's interesting to go there for a couple reasons; first off, I'm not using hyperbole when I tell you it's a dive bar; it's kind of a dive. It's moodily lit and there are regulars who languish at the bar and they've had the same wait staff for years and years. I've been going semi-regularly since about 2007, when I started going with a group of classmates from college. And that's why I've been going with recently. The difference is that we used to have a writing workshop and then go to our dive bar to relax, and now we go to our dive bar to have our workshop.

It's great to be doing this; once a month we meet up and workshop a short story (or last month, we workshopped the first twenty pages and a summary of the rest of my novel) and catch up. It keeps us all motivated to continue writing and reading and thinking critically.

Only, tonight, I got home from work late and Kathy had a wonderful dinner on the table. I had enough time to say hello, grab some stuff, and say goodbye before workshop. Life's sometimes like that, I guess.

This post is so unfocused because my brain hurts.

Short Story March: Day Four

2011-03-04T19:30:00.005-06:00

A Children's Story about Ribs

Little Junior Colin Tibbs was very good at telling fibs.
His father, Senior Colin Tibbs, was very good at cooking ribs.
Cooked in sauce, cooked with smoke, rubbed with spice, and it's no joke;
Everyone for miles and miles came to Senior Tibbs' with smiles.

One day, Junior Colin Tibbs told the fibbiest of fibs;
The older Senior Colin's Ribs, were central to this massive fib.
"My father's cooking up some beans, the likes of which, you've never seens,
And ribs, of course, he's cooking, too, enough for you and you and you."

And people all throughout the town, got in their cars and drove on down
In front of Tibbs' house they planned to meet, to head 'round back and start to eat.
When Senior Tibbs saw the growing crowd, he looked and looked and looked around
For Junior Tibbs, who at that time, was hiding silent as a mime.

Tibbs went out front to address the crowd (who by this time had grown quite loud)
"My friends," he cried, "you've been deceived, there are no ribs you will receive."
Then one by one, the crowd grew mad, and shouted at the Junior's Dad
"Your son made promises, now, Tibbs; you'd better feed us all those ribs!"

From where he hid, the Junior one, laughed at this game, and thought it fun!
But the older Tibbs, on his front stoop, stood and let his shoulders droop;
In his garage, in his deep freeze, he had the meat to meet their needs
But not for a mob with appetites hardy; they were for next month's big block party!

"Make with the ribs!" some folks did cry, "It's almost noon, the sun is high!"
"It's dinner time," another said, a man with a knit cap on his head.
"We've come prepared," a neighbor chimed in, "to do otherwise would be a sin!"
"I've brought some slaw, I've brought some beans! And frank has got a new machine!"

"A device," said Frank, "that is supreme; it makes four kinds of cold ice cream!"
"And I've brought games!" said Mister Cruz. "Bocce ball, Frisbees, and horse shoes!"
And Senior Tibbs was quite impressed, he was no longer in distress!
"I've got the ribs, so come on back! I'll start by cooking up a rack!"

A picnic day, the neighbors had, hosted by young Junior's dad!
They played some games, they cooked the ribs, prepared by Senior Colin Tibbs!
But Junior Tibbs was not around, and none knew where he could be found.
When Senior Tibbs announced the feast, Junior felt an awful beast.

He knew his father had been saving (all the while the neighbors craving)
The ribs for that big special day, the one which comes at end of May.
And Junior knew his father's mood was likely soon to come to brood.
So Junior hid in his bedroom, and settled into quite a gloom.

At his door there came a knock, at quite precisely six o'clock.
It was his father, Senior Tibbs, with a heaping plate of slaw and ribs
And beans and chips and cookies, too; and Junior knew not what to do.
"I made this plate for you," dad said, "What are you doing there in bed?"

"Oh Daddy!" Junior Tibbs cried out, "I've been so bad!" he began to pout.
"I lied and told them all to come, I thought it would be such great fun!"
"And now," he said, "your big big plans have all come to such tragic ends!"
"I'm sorry, Dad, that's how I feel; you must think that I'm quite a heel."

"But Son," said dad, "while it is true this is not what I planned to do,
We're having fun, we're playing games! The new neighbors are learning names!"
He hugged his son and hugged him tight and said to him "It's quite all right."
"You should not lie, please know this, son. But really, this is lots of fun!"

"Come down and out, please join the crowd! Run and play and shout out loud!"
"And eat some ribs?" asked Junior Tibbs. "Of course," said Senior, "eat some ribs!"
"And eat some slaw! And chips and cake! There are a dozen mom did bake,
Plus all the others neighbors brought, come have a look, there's quite a lot!"

And so the two Tibbs boys went down to join the rest of the happy town.
They talked, and ate, and had a blast, like none had seen in days gone past!
And Junior Tibbs, well, he learned a lot about what he should say, and what he should not.
And punishment? Well, when all had supped...Junior Tibbs was there to clean it all up.

===

Yeah, okay, so, I don't know how well I can keep this up. Maybe a short story a day is a little ambitious when I am writing for three blogs, trying to complete a first draft of a novel by the end of the month, working full time, and being a husband/father. So maybe Short Story March lasted all of four days...

But I promise to try and blog every week day, even if it's just a little bit.

Short Story March: Day Three

2011-03-03T21:38:00.000-06:00

The Sewer Lien: An Epistolary Tale

**

The Municipal Wastewater Board
23 Water Street
1/16/2006

Dear Occupant,

Your account shows an unpaid balance for calender years 2001-2005. As of this time, we are owed $475 for services rendered. If this matter remains unsettled past January 31st of this year, a lien will be placed on your property for the unpaid amount plus late penalties.

If you feel our records are in error, please contact us immediately at the number on your quarterly bill. You can also reach us on the web at www.municipalwaterboardspringfield.org. Have your seven digit account number ready when contacting our offices.

Thank You,

Alan Durst
Vice Executive Director
Municipal Wastewater Board

**

Occupant
427 Paper Street
1/20/2006

Dear Mr. Durst,

I am writing in response to your letter of 1/16/2006. I have made repeated attempts to contact your offices to clear up this matter, but nobody has returned my numerous phone calls. Your website shows it has not been updated since November 21st of 1999, as evidenced by the animated construction worker .gif. I can only assume this will find you, as you have had no trouble receiving and processing the checks I have sent you on a quarterly basis since the second quarter of 1994, when I purchased this home.

Attached, you will find photocopies of several bank statements and cancelled checks. I have taken the liberty of highlighting the pertinent information on these documents, including highlighting the lines on the bank statements which correspond to the attached cancelled checks, on which I have also highlighted the payee information (The Municipal Wastewater Board of Springfield), the dates, the amounts, and the account number printed on the memo line. Also attached you can see the back sides of the cancelled checks, which show they have been stamped by the Municipal Wastewater Board of Springfield.

I hope this clears this matter up. As for your obvious breakdown in communication between the office of accounts receivable and billing, I leave that to your organization to rectify.

Thank you,

Frederick Burton
Occupant

**

The Municipal Wastewater Board
23 Water Street

1/29/2006

Dear Mr. Burton,

Thank you for your letter of 1/20/2006. Please be assured we take all concerns seriously and are looking into your matter with the utmost care.

If you have any questions, please refer to the telephone number on your quarterly bill. You can also reach us at our new website, www.springfieldwastewater.org. Have your seven digit account number ready when contacting our offices.

Thank you,

Alison Franklin
Customer Service
The Municipal Wastewater Board

**

The Municipal Wastewater Board
23 Water Street
2/1/2006

Dear Mr. Burton or Current Occupant,

On January 16th of this month, we sent you a letter regarding payment due to your account. As of today we have not received contact from you. We are left with no recourse but to place a lien on your property in the amount of $475 plus a 5% annual interest rate until the balance is paid in full.

If you feel our records are in error, please contact us immediately at the number on your quarterly bill. You can also reach us on the web at www.municipalwaterboardspringfield.org. Have your seven digit account number ready when contacting our offices.

Thank You,

Alan Durst
Vice Executive Director
Municipal Wastewater Board

**

Enraged
427 Paper Street
2/2/2006

Dear Mr. Durst,

Attached you will find more photocopies of the cancelled checks and bank statements I have already sent to you. Also, you will find a letter from Alison Franklin of the Municipal Wastewater Board's customer service department explaining that the matter was being looked into.

Incidentally, you may want to update the standard form letter you've have saved on your computer's desktop for the past few years; as you can see in Alison's letter, your web address has changed since last you proofread. The new website is better than the old; instead of an animated picture telling me the site is coming soon, the new site has a flash slideshow of city parks and waterways with men wearing hardhats and kids playing. While it is an improvement, it still lacks any kind of tools for your customers to manage their accounts. My guess is that since you are the only game in town, you've gotten lazy. That's not good business.

If you feel my records are in error, you can contact my bank and explain to them how somebody else is impersonating you and cashing checks for sewer service bills. I'll bet they'd be interested in knowing about it.

Thanks you,

Frederick Burton
Enraged Occupant

**

The Municipal Wastewater Board
23 Water Street
2/7/2006

Dear Mr. Burton,

Our records indicate that we have not received the payments you insist have been paid to us. The fact that you have cancelled checks and bank statements claiming otherwise does not match the records in our accounting, billing, or service departments. Our customer service department has these records, but inquiries indicate that they received them via mail from you. As these are not originals, we can not accept them as proof.

We have contacted our lawyers and will begin the lien process forthwith.

If you feel our records are in error, please contact us immediately at the number on your quarterly bill. You can also reach us on the web at www.municipalwaterboardspringfield.org. Have your seven digit account number ready when contacting our offices.

Thank You,

Alan Durst
Vice Executive Director
Municipal Wastewater Board

**

The Law Offices of Shank, Thurman, Thurman & Shank, LLC
922 High Street Suite 1322
2/7/2006

Dear Mr. Burton,

This letter is to inform you of a lien being placed on your property in the amount of $475. This lien covers unpaid sewer service balances from 2002 until the most recent billing period.

A copy of the lien is on file at the County Recorder of Deeds Office at 100 High Street, Suite 210. A release will be filed once the full payment is received by the Accounts Receivable department of the Municipal Wastewater Board at 23 Water Street.

Your prompt attention to this matter is appreciated.

Yours Truly,
Richard Shank Thurman
Junior Partner, The Law Offices of Shank, Thurman, Thurman & Shank, LLC

**

427 Paper Street
2/9/2006

Dear Mr. Durst,

Your continued lack of comprehension on this matter confuses me. Attached this time, I have included notarized copies of my bank statements and cancelled checks. If you check your records, I am sure you will see that the same date my bank statements say the money was debited from my account, your account will likely reflect a credit of the exact same amount. Put two and two together and please manage to arrive at an answer that is more than zero.

Frederick Burton
Befuddled Occupant

**

427 Paper Street
2/9/2006

Richard Shank Thurman, Junior Partner;

I do not hold any ill will against you, as you are just a pawn in this game. I am sending you copies of all of my correspondence with the Municipal Wastewater Board as well as copies of my cancelled checks and bank statements. Maybe you can talk some sense into that idiot Alan Durst. I will thank you to release the lien immediately.

Yours,
Frederick Burton

**

The Law Offices of Shank, Thurman, Thurman & Shank, LLC
922 High Street Suite 1322
2/14/2006

Dear Mr. Burton,

Our apologies. In reviewing your records and consulting with the various departments of the Municipal Wastewater Board, we have concluded that your account is in good standing. It appears a clerical error occurred in a recent system upgrade, causing information for your account and several others to be reset. This error has been corrected. The release of lien has been filed and this should be the last you need worry about this matter.

Sincerely,

Richard Shank Thurman
Junior Partner, The Law Offices of Shank, Thurman, Thurman & Shank

**

The Municipal Wastewater Board
23 Water Street
3/22/2006

Dear Mr. Burton,

Our collections department has made repeated attempts to collect payment in the amount of $475 for services from 2001-2005. This will be your last warning before serious legal action will be taken.

If you feel our records are in error, please contact us immediately at the number on your quarterly bill. You can also reach us on the web at www.municipalwaterboardspringfield.org. Have your seven digit account number ready when contacting our offices.

Thank You,

Steven Voss
Vice Executive Director
Municipal Wastewater Board

**

427 Paper Street Wastewater Production, LP
427 Paper Street
3/24/2006

Dear Mr. Voss,

It has come to my attention that you have been receiving wastewater from this residence for many years without paying for your usage.

I understand you have sewage treatment plants that would otherwise sit idle without a steady stream of wastewater from producers such as myself. Yet you wantonly consume this wastewater without consideration for the work that has gone in to providing it to you.

Checking our records, it appears you have not paid for the use of this wastewater since the residence at 427 Paper Street was constructed in May of 1954. The total due with penalties and interest comes to $475.

As you have recently claimed that I owe you the same amount for services rendered from 2001-2005, I propose that we call our feud even. Though you should reflect that your rates are much higher than mine, and you may consider lowering your fees in the future.

Thank You,

Frederick Burton
Chief Wastewater Producer, 427 Paper Street Wastewater Production, LP

**

The Municipal Wastewater Board - Billing Department
23 Water Street Box 2
4/1/2006

Dear Mr. Burton,

Thank you for your prompt payment of your Quarter One billing statement.

You can now manage your account online at www.municipalwater.springfield.com/accounts

Sincerely,

Amber Stevens
Billing Agent, Municipal Wastewater Board

**

Wow Plus Ouch Equals Wouch.

2011-03-02T23:34:00.000-06:00

Writer's block made my brain hurt on that last one. A lot.

I need some help, readers. Give me suggestions for short stories this month. In the comment section, post me a link to a photo you think is interesting and I'll try and write something inspired by the photo. I think this month long venture will be good for me.

Side note: last night (Tuesday the first) when I got home from work, I very nearly took a picture of myself to post on the blog. Out of habit.

Pretty crazy, I know.

Short Story March: Day Two

2011-03-02T22:26:00.000-06:00

American Made Big Block Chevrolet

Pavement under the wheels of the van, humming. Just humming, man. You can hear it from any part of the van.

None of the ones in the back ever know where we're going. We only know that we've been somewhere. The ones in front, they sure know the way. And the ones in the middle, man, they just don't devote any care to the notion of direction, or who's in front or who's in back, or anything. We just care to be in the middle, where it's easy to relax and talk quietly.

Sometimes, someone from the back joins us. And we welcome them, and often times they worry about their cohorts in the back of the van; they try and bring more up, and some follow, but most stay in back.

Sometimes, someone from the front will join us in the middle. We're wary of them, because in front they're in control of our fates, but we try to integrate them. They have a harder time adjusting than those from the back. It's very easier to move backward than it is to move forward, but it's easier on you to move forward than it is to move backward.

Sometimes, one of us will seize on the direction the van is headed, and demand to know why it's so. Inquiries will be made of the people in front, and usually this leads to a large group of us moving forward, to be replaced by people moving back. But those of us who stay in the middle know that it doesn't matter who's driving the van; we're always going in a direction we don't care to know.

Short Story March: Day One

2011-03-01T21:05:00.000-06:00

The rules are: Write. Write write. Write write write.

Free write.

Elaborate on something I've already written.

Write.

===

The Sign-Off

Hank looked around the booth which had been his workplace for the last thirty five years. His producer in the adjacent booth was running the news tape over the air. Hank looked at his watch: 6:58 PM. For this night, the station manager and the production staff had pulled one of the studio's old record players from storage and given it a good going-over so it would be ready for airtime; new stylus, rebalanced tonearm. In two minutes, Hank would place a recording of Mahler's Titan symphony on the turntable. He was going to repeat his first night on the job for this, his last. Every single recording, on vinyl. He had three hours until the new format kicked in. The producer knocked on the window and pointed to the clock. Hank took his seat, fumbled in the box of records he had brought from home and got ready to sign on one last time.

A year ago, a company calling itself Caring Creatives started making the rounds of radio stations in the area. There was a lot of chatter in the community about what they were looking for. Word was they wanted a station with a strong signal but a small listener base which they could turn into a contemporary Christian Rock station. They looked at a couple of the local listener supported stations before moving on to the commercial stations. Hank and his cohorts at Classical 103.5 were dismissive of the suits wandering their halls one day in the late summer.

"It's not likely to happen to us," Hank said after the men walked through the break room, "we've been around for over forty years with this format. No other FM station can claim that." He took a bite of his turkey sandwich with lettuce. He frowned at the lack of mayonnaise, but his doctor had told him to watch what he ate, and Babette, his wife, had taken the doctor's word every afternoon while she packed Hank's dinner. First the cheese was gone, then the potato chips on the side were replaced with carrots, and now the mayo was gone.

"I don't know, Hank," Jeremy, one of the station's engineers said between gulps of coffee, "From what I hear in the marketing department, things aren't looking as rosy as they used to."

Hank waved the naysayer off. "Think of what we've got on the dial in Springfield," he said. "One NPR affiliate, two classic rock stations, two alternative stations, two talk radio stations, one oldies station, two contemporary easy listening stations, three top forty stations, a community public station and five, uh, rap, R and B hippy hop stations, and a low power jazz station, and us. We're fine, they'll take one of those rap stations." Hank eyed the tub of yogurt in his lunch bag. He stood up, fished some coins out of his pocket and walked to the vending machines.

"I wish I shared your optimism, Hank," Jeremy said. "You seem pretty sure about it. But our listeners aren't getting younger, and, well, I'm no farmer, but if you've got one old chicken who won't lay any more eggs, and five cows who can still produce milk, and you've got to kill one animal to make room for a sheep or something, uh, you're gonna kill the duck, right?" Jeremy was known for meandering metaphors.

"I suppose," Hank said, compromising with his inner Babette by selecting the pretzels over the saltier rippled chips. "But in five years, three of those rap stations will be gone, half the other stations will have switched formats, and we'll still be here. And it makes more sense to their 'mission' to remove a rap or a rock station than a classical station. Mark my words."

Over the next five months, there had been silence on the buyout front. Hank assumed Caring Creatives had given up their search. But in that sixth month, the rumblings began again. This time, more people came to the station, and this time, there was serious talk about the station being sold. Meredith, the station manager, called a staff meeting one morning.

"Will we all still have our jobs if this goes through?" Jeremy asked her. Others nodded in agreement. Hank sat back and watched. He knew it would not happen.

"Much of the support staff in marketing, sales, and production will be offered comparable positions with the new station under the proposed plan. Offers will be given to senior staff first." Meredith was noticeably shaking, which made Hank sit up.

"What about on-air staff?" somebody called out. Other voices joined.

"Half of the on-air staff will be retained, but the other half will be replaced with the new format." There was a commotion. Meredith raised her arms to quiet the group. "Hey, listen. Those who are retained will not be receiving their current salaries. You'll have to take a pay cut and you won't be broadcast over the air. They plan on moving the classical music to the internet, running from five in the morning until eleven."

This sparked more commotion. Hank stood and the room quieted a little. "Will the on-air staff retention be based on seniority as well?" He met Meredith's eyes and brushed his gray hair back form his temples. She looked to a packet of paper she had in front of her.

"I'm not sure," she said. "I would assume so, but, I don't know. Not off hand."

After the meeting, Jeremy came up to Hank. "I'm screwed," Jeremy said. "If everything is based on seniority like they say, I've been here the second shortest of the engineers. I'm cooked. And in this economy, too."

Hank put a hand on Jeremy's shoulder. "Take it easy; nothing's set in stone yet. The deal will never go through." Hank wanted to get home and do some reading before he came back for his 7-10 weekday shift. "I told you, they're going to buy out one of the other stations. Probably 98.3, they've been struggling for two years."

"Jesus, Hank, didn't you hear Meredith?" The two began walking to the elevator lobby. "Didn't you see the way she was shaking? This deal's probably already done, they're just waiting for FCC approval to announce it. Have you heard from anyone else in town? Are they looking at any of the other stations this time around? I'm telling you, we're fucked." They arrived in the lobby. Hank pressed the down button and Jeremy pressed the up button. "We're up a creek without a radio station, my friend. You, you're probably fine, you were here when Beethoven won the Grammy for best new artist, but me..." The up elevator door opened.

Jeremy had been correct; Caring Creatives had already closed the deal with station ownership. A month later, when the FCC approved the sale, the announcement was made that on July 17th, at the end of Hank's shift, the station would become Life 103.5 Christian Contemporary. A week after the announcement, offers were made to existing staff members. Hank waited patiently for his offer. He planned on saying no and taking the severance package, pithy as it was. He was approaching retirement anyway, and he and Babette had just planted a vegetable garden in the back yard the year before. He looked forward to walking out of there with his head held high and spending his golden years keeping squirrels away from his tomatoes.

After two weeks, his offer still hadn't come. By this time, the pink slips were starting to land on desks. One in each department the first day, the same on the second day, and so on. On the seventh day, a Tuesday, Hank found his slip. He marched with it into the new station manager's office. Meredith was still the manager of the classical side, but she now reported to Seth, a man who had studied to become a Lutheran Minister but who had abandoned that track for, as he had said in his first address to the staff, a "different call of service to the Lord." Hank had been silent about the buyout of the station and had a respect for Seth's work ethic. But he could not stand this. He waved the slip in front of Seth and Meredith.

"What's this?" he asked.

Seth leaned back in his chair and took off his glasses. He set them down on his desk and rubbed his eyes. "Meredith, could you leave us for a moment?" he asked.

Meredith stood, looked at Hank, then sat back down. She looked at her feet. "No," she said, "Hank is one of my employees, I think I should be here for this." She looked at Hank, who smiled at her, and then she looked at Seth.

Seth paused for a second. "Okay, sure," he said. "Look, Hank, we appreciate what you do for us here. But you're getting closer to retirement, and we figured you wouldn't want to work in Internet radio. And we don't have a place for you on air; we need young, hip DJ's to spin our tracks for us. Folks who can connect with the youth of the city, bring them in to hear what they need to hear to, to, to save them from what they are assailed with from the rest of the FM dial. Do you hear what I'm saying?" Seth smiled at Hank.

Hank forced his body to straighten as tall as it could. He agreed with part of Seth's reasoning, but another part inflamed him. "What I hear when I listen to the radio," he said, "is some of what you're talking about. But I also hear the free exchange of ideas. I hear passion and artistry. And right now, I'm hearing you say that the best way to 'save' the youth of the city from some of the filth you find on the radio is to take away one of their existing safe havens and replace it with another? Is that what you do when you fight the good fight? Do you push your allies out of the way? I hear in the music we play on this station some of the most exquisite and beautiful and joyous compositions man has ever produced, much of it by people who attributed their gifts not to themselves but to God himself! They celebrate the beauty of God's creation by adding to it! What could be a better compliment to your mission?"

Hank was shaking. Meredith was wide eyed. Seth was frowning. "Are you done, Hank?" Seth asked at last.

"No," Hank said. "Not until ten PM on July 17th." He turned around and opened Seth's office door. He looked back at Meredith, who winked at him, before stepping into the hall and letting the door shut behind him.

Within a few days, Hank had become a hero of sorts. Those who had been told they were being let go when the format changed stood to applaud him whenever he entered a room. Meredith and some of the other staffers who had accepted retention offers came back and rejected the offers. Some of those who were staying on told Seth they would stay on condition that Hank was allowed to serve until sign-off. The archivists found transcripts of his early shows and gave Hank photocopies, which gave him the idea of reprising his first broadcast. Jeremy had pulled the record player out of storage and integrated it with the digital soundboard in the broadcast booth.

Hank sat at the chair in front of the microphone. One minute to air time. The door opened and Jeremy stepped in. "Hey, Hank," he said.

Hank smiled. "Jeremy. Good luck with Seth here in the future." The shook hands.

"I don't think we got off on the best foot, he and I," Jeremy chuckled. "But I'm sure once you're gone, things will settle down. Troublemaker."

Hank's producer pushed the intercom button. "Fifteen seconds," he said.

"I'll get out of here," Jeremy said. "Just...knock 'em dead tonight."

"Absolutely I will," Hank said, getting the record ready on the turntable.

Facial Hair February: Final Day and Deconstruction

2011-02-28T22:39:00.000-06:00

First, the full facial hair experience.

We have this thing called a Karma Wheel on our refrigerator. And Just before removing the beard, I spun it. It looks like I planned this, but Kathy can vouch for me.

It landed on Hair Loss, which is better than Salmonella or Annoying Phone Call for sure

And so it was to be.

The deconstruction began with removal of sideburns and sundry facial hairs.

And then, well, things got creepy.

But finally, I emerged as myself once again.

Of course now it's clear that I need a haircut. But I won't be blogging about that.

Starting tomorrow, a short story a day for an entire month. How about them apples? Also, Bambi review will be up by Wednesday. Got some stuff to do tomorrow for The Phosphene, which if you haven't checked out is turning out nicely so far. I'm excited about it, that's for sure!

Facial Hair February: The Penultimate Day

2011-02-27T19:36:00.000-06:00

Penultimate is definitely a ten dollar word.

The Big Announcement

2011-02-27T13:06:00.000-06:00

Writer's Note - Okay, so, I thought I had scheduled this to post last night, but it looks like I scheduled it to post tonight instead. Oops.

Alright, folks time for the big announcement!

I have launched a new blog! It's called The Phosphene and, rather than being a blog that I write exclusively, it's a team effort. I've assembled a team of folks to write about film, music, television, books, art, and other facets of pop culture. It should be fun...right?

The reasoning behind this is that I feel like I've been doing a lot of film and record reviews here on this blog, and while it stretches my writing muscles to do so, I want to return this blog to its original purpose, i.e. a blog about my writing, not a blog for my writing. So I'll go back to posting about my struggles with writer's block and doing stuff like the excerpts and maybe even the free-write Fridays. I will, however, continue my Disney Movie Reviews here, they'll just get simultaneously posted on the new blog.

So go check it out! Tell your friends! You can even follow the new blog on Twitter or even Like us on Facebook.

That's all for now!

Facial Hair February: Day 26

2011-02-26T22:16:00.000-06:00

Two more days!

Facial Hair February: Day 25

2011-02-25T21:26:00.000-06:00

Today did not go as planned. Big announcement tomorrow.

Facial Hair February: Day 24

2011-02-24T20:07:00.000-06:00

Presented without comment.

Facial Hair February: Day 23

2011-02-23T22:52:00.000-06:00

And stay tuned for a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT in the next few days.

No, I am not going to be a father again.

Review: Dumbo

2011-02-23T17:45:00.003-06:00

Dumbo, the fourth film on my Disney Animated Film Adventure, which at one time vied with Robin Hood and Aladdin as my favorite of the Disney animated films, is a dramatically different kind of film than its three predecessors. Where Snow White, Pinocchio and Fantasia are visually complex, Dumbo is simple. Simple, too, is the storyline. Like Fantasia, this film is not based on a fairy tale as the first two films were, but of course Fantasia had rich source material from which to work, namely the pieces of music which were used. Dumbo is based on a rather simplistic prototype for a new toy called a "Roll-A-Book." The toy was developed using eight drawings and a few short lines of text describing what was happening in the book, when Disney writers took it and fleshed the story out. It's simple, basic and charming, without the heavily terrifying elements we've seen in the previous films.

The film starts with a lightning bolt and thunder and a voice crying "Through the snow, and sleet, and hail / Through the blizzard, through the gale / Through the wind and through the rain / Over mountain, over plain / Through the blinding lightning flash / And the mighty thunder crash / Ever faithful, ever true / Nothing stops him, he'll get through!" And then we find out he's talking about a Stork. Many storks, in fact, deliver a bunch of baby animals to a circus in Florida in what is one of the most cutest ever animated segments ever ever. Really.

The action starts when an elephant does not get a baby, and she's sad. She doesn't say she's sad, you just see it. In fact, there's very little dialog through the first part of this film. Finally, while the circus is packed onto the train, a stork shows up with a baby elephant. This baby elephant is our hero, though we don't know that until he gets dropped into his mother's trunk and his ears flap out in an explosive sneeze. Yup, those ears.

The poor guy is ridiculed something fierce for these big floppy ears, so much so that his protective mother (who loves him completely and unconditionally, something I totally understand) kind of freaks out on some boys and gets locked up, leaving Dumbo an outcast.

Enter Timothy Q. Mouse, Dumbo's only friend in the world. He tries to build up Dumbo's self-confidence by tricking the ringmaster into making Dumbo the climax of the "Pyramid of Pachyderms" circus attraction. But, as with all things, Dumbo's ears get in the way, creating havoc. The other circus elephants, already shunning Dumbo for his big ears and his crazy mother, completely disavow any knowledge of Dumbo, and he gets turned into a clown and has to jump off a burning tower into a vat of cream pie filling. Which, actually, is something I would totally enjoy, minus the burning part.

Timothy, always the good friend, tries to cheer Dumbo up by taking him to see his mother. This is one of the most beautiful moments in the film, with Mrs. Jumbo cradling Dumbo in her trunk through the bars of the elephant prison trailer (which, I guess, is a thing?) while the film's most beautiful song "Baby Mine" plays. Side note: my wife sings this song to my daughter every day, and it never fails to bring a smile to either of their faces.

After this, I guess the Fantasia animators wanted to get a little more bizzaro out of their systems, or maybe somebody was trying to point out how drinking is a bad thing, because Dumbo and Timothy accidentally drink some champagne, get totally wasted, and Dumbo blows a bubble out of his trunk. The bubble turns into a shared hallucination between the two; it turns into a pink elephant and we get a Technicolor Elephant Nightmare.

They let it into Disney Land at night to eat stragglers.

Actually, let me say at this point that although many of my friends would get creeped out by this part of the film, when I was a child this was my favorite part. I would often rewind and watch this part again and again while my friends waited nervously around the corner, behind the couch, or in the kitchen. Yeah, I was a little...different. But the colors! The song! The bizarre creatures created out of elephants! Elephant cars and trains! A Camel-Elephant hybrid which I call a Camelphant! What imaginations these animators had! What exquisite drugs they must have been taking!

So when Dumbo and Timothy wake up all hungover, they're in a tree. And a murder of crows sees them and wonders how they got up there while they smoke cigars, talk jive and get interpreted as a racial stereotype. Since you brought up the stereotype thing, let me just say this: these crows are incredibly smart. They're tough, sure, and they look rag-tag based on their clothes, but, um...they're crows. How did they even get clothes? I guess this is a universe of anthropomorphic animals but they still live in zoos and are attractions at circuses...but still. And when I say they're smart, I mean it. Listen to their song, which is full of clever wordplay and is meant not to mock Dumbo as EVERY OTHER CHARACTER BESIDES TIMOTHY AND MRS. JUMBO HAVE DONE but they do it to mock Timothy's insistence that Dumbo flew. But they help, and Dumbo gets off the ground. He returns to the circus and jumps off his burning tower. On the way down, he loses the feather. Timothy, who was riding in his hat, explains that the feather wasn't really magic, and that Dumbo can fly without it. Which, of course, he does, exacting revenge on the clowns, the ringmaster, and the elephants who shunned him. And then, I guess, he does the classic meteoric rise to fame thing, in which he gets super famous and makes a lot of money and yet somehow ends up right where he started? Well, not entirely. He uses his celebrity to get his mother released and to procure a fancy modern private car for the two of them (plus Timothy I would guess) on the train. But still...he's still in the circus? I guess if that's where the money is...

Because of the financial failures of the previous two films, Disney wanted a simple story that was easy to animate, and that's exactly what they got. At just over one hour, it's one of the shortest of the Disney animated features. In fact, RKO Pictures, the distributor of Disney's films, refused to release Dumbo at first, stating that it was too short and would either have to be lengthened, billed as a short subject or listed as B-movie (which, at the time, just meant the second/lesser known film of a double feature). But Disney held fast, and RKO finally agreed to distribute the film as a feature. Despite the war in Europe and the attack on Pearl Harbor just two months after this film's release, it still turned a profit and received critical success. Many saw it as a return to the roots of Disney with a simple, character driven animated story. Compared to Pinocchio and Fantasia, which many critics said were too ambitious or complex for the medium, Dumbo was easy to watch and joyful with great music. With this film, many of the Disney themes were established. While both Snow White and Pinocchio had original songs composed for the films, the Dumbo soundtrack contained seven original songs (Snow White had three and while Pinocchio had six, remember that this film is a full twenty minutes shorter). This is also the first Disney feature to have anthropomorphic animals as the main characters, something which became almost requisite thereafter.

One of the things I missed in my youth, and which I took special notice of upon this watching, is that the crows are incredibly smart and helpful. I already mentioned the word play, but when they help Dumbo fly, they give him a "magic feather." When I was a kid, I always thought that the feather really did have some magic in it, and that Dumbo needed it to fly at first but that the magic somehow passed into him so he didn't need it anymore after he dropped it. Of course now I know that's bogus; the crows used the feather as a mind-trick. And Timothy is in on it. When I realized that in my young-adulthood (when I was watching old Disney movies "ironically" except not ironically, more in an attempt to recapture my simpler youth because I was all angsty over some girl or something else that teenagers needlessly worry about OH GOD WHY DIDN'T SHE WANT TO GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME AND WHY CAN'T I BE POPULAR LIKE THE POPULAR KIDS WHY whoa...that was weird) it changed my whole perception of the crows. At first I was like, "Oh, so Dumbo didn't even need to meet the crows" and then later I realized, "Wait, yes he did." See, Timothy was a good friend, and a big dreamer, but he needed to know how to help Dumbo out. The crows saw an opportunity, and when they realized that Dumbo was too downtrodden to believe in himself, they gave Timothy the gift of the "magic" feather. It's just a feather, but to tell Dumbo it's magic, it gave him hope that it would make him fly. So, basically, the crows are doctors and they just prescribe Dumbo a placebo. And it works! It's all mind over matter. The whole film, for being only an hour long and such a simple story, is chock full of great story. And sure, stories with a moral are often times annoying. Moral stories can be really heavy-handed and over the top and so eye-rolling, head banging, groaningly sigh-inducing at times, but this one's better because the story is so simple. Be yourself, and believe in yourself, and you will accomplish something. It may not be what you set out to do, but take stock of your assets, your liabilities, and play to your strengths. And above all, listen to those who are trying to help, and ignore those who don't help. Chances are, you'll be able to dive bomb them and spit peanuts out of your trunk when you prevail, those bastards.

Once again, Wikipedia helped out. Revisions were most recently made by me so that what I tell you here matches what you read there.

Facial Hair February: Day 22

2011-02-22T20:30:00.000-06:00

So today, I noticed that the facial hair has definitely progressed from scraggly to legit.

Hey, just so everyone can look forward to it, when all is done with FHF, the last post will be a deconstruction of the beard, from full to goatee to mustache to smoov. And yes, I am aware that I just misspelled smooth, but seriously guys, it's going to be so smooth it will be smoov.

Facial Hair February: Day 21

2011-02-21T23:58:00.000-06:00

Jules is still awake. Looks like a long night ahead.

Seven. More. Days.

Facial Hair February: Day 20

2011-02-20T21:43:00.000-06:00

Today was such a lovely day, we went for a walk in the park and had our windows open. All of my Minnesota friends were not so lucky, I hear. Sorry, guys...we'll try and send some of this weather up your way.

Facial hair February: Day 19

2011-02-19T20:29:00.000-06:00

Today was Saturday. No reason for telling you that, just figured you'd want to read something rather than just look at a picture.

Also, thanks for the overwhelming response to my question on Thursday. Really guys. Thanks. So, so much.

Facial Hair February: Day 18

2011-02-18T21:07:00.000-06:00

I'm ready to call it quits on this whole project. But no! Onward and upward!

An Open Letter to All Bands and Concert-Goers

2011-02-17T21:06:00.000-06:00

Okay, guys. We love you because you provide music to us. Sure, we have to pay to see you in concert, and we have to pay to have your music with us at all times (theoretically...) but we have to have a talk.

Look, I know it's not up to you how much concert tickets cost. I know that's mostly up to the companies like Ticketmaster who provide that service for concert promoters and venues. And I know it's not your fault that the biggest promoter, Live Nation bought Ticketmaster, creating a terrible monopoly wherein the price of concert tickets can rise and rise without check. But, you know, you could have said something. Or you could leave Live Nation and find smaller promoters, ones who can send you to venues who don't use Ticketmaster. Maybe I'm oversimplifying things. But anyway, all that aside, that's actually not what I'm here to talk about. That topic has been done many times by better-informed writers than myself. I'm here to talk about what actually happens at your concerts.

Granted, I haven't been to a good live concert in years (other than a few Rum Drum Ramblers and Pokey LaFarge shows, but I'm talking about national touring acts where I don't know somebody in the band) but I do listen to a lot of live concerts via NPR Music, so I feel I can speak with a small measure of authority on this topic. So, now that I have your very limited and sporadic attention, I'm going to ask you one thing: Please stop building your encore into your show.

Look, the whole idea of an encore has been completely skewed today. It used to be that an encore was something audiences asked for if and only if they felt the main performance was exceptional. In summary, Encores used to be an exception, not a rule.

In olden days, an audience would clap at the end of a performance as the curtain went down/maestro stepped off stage. As the clapping continued and people shouted "Bravo!" the curtain would be lifted or the maestro would return to the stage for more bows. If the applause continued even more, and people were standing, this would be repeated until people either stopped clapping or shouted "Encore!" If that happened, the performers would perform a final piece, usually agreed upon beforehand, or maybe they'd just play the last section of their last piece again. But, if the audience didn't think the original performance was good enough, none or only a few of these things would happen.

I admit, audiences have a hand in the modern concept of the encore. They've come to expect an encore, so you guys hold something back. Could be a fan favorite that everyone expected you to play but you didn't, and hey presto! You come back out on stage and gracefully bestow upon the audience this final gift. "Thought we forgot about this one, eh?" But look...if you plan it, it's not really an encore, is it?

Feel it, guys. Read the audience during the show. If you feel like they're really into it, and want more when you step off stage because you've done a great job (and NOT because they expect it), walk back out there. And audience members: don't expect an encore just because you're at a concert. Only expect it if the band has earned it, and let them know.

We cool? Cool. Thanks.

[walks off blog]
[lights still down]
[walks back onto blog]

Thanks, you guys are awesome!

Hey, so I was wondering...after February, I want to try and blog every day still. I know my February every-day blogs aren't exactly chock full of writing (but I'm getting the rest of this stuff in here for you, so that's something) so what I was thinking was maybe, in March, doing a short story a day? What do you think? It might be daunting, but if I get enough encouragement, I'll totally do it. Let me know in the comments. Oh, and remember, if your comment doesn't show up right away, it's because I have to okay every comment. I've gotten some duplicate comments lately which I think might have something to do with the lag in you posting a comment and me publishing it. I'm not always by my computer (though it may seem like I am since I'm soooo prolific) but I'll get to it!

[walks off blog]
[lights up]
[terrible house music up]
[roadies start dismantling blog equipment, accidentally dropping the header on someone's toe]

Facial Hair February: Day 17

2011-02-17T20:12:00.000-06:00

It's getting kind of itchy.

Review: Fantasia

2011-02-17T11:39:00.002-06:00

If there is one Disney Animated Film that has seen more and different versions than any other, it would be Fantasia. Originally released in 1940 as a Roadshow Theatrical Release, which is kind of like a modern limited release except you had to reserve your seats way ahead of time. The film grew out of one of its more popular segments "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" which was to be a stand-alone short for the "Silly Symphonies" series. Oddly enough, because Mickey Mouse had been losing popularity to the likes of Donald Duck and Goofy, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" was made as an attempt to rejuvenate Mickey. And I have to ask, does this strike anybody else as odd? Mickey Mouse was in trouble of vanishing into obscurity? The Mickey Mouse? I guess it worked, because he's one of the most recognizable characters of all time...

After adapting two fairy tales, Disney decided to do something entirely different with Fantasia. Instead of a single narrative, we're treated to a concert-on-film with visuals provided by Disney animators and their interpretations of the music. In that sense, it's hard to really review this film the way you would any other, so instead, I'm going to talk about the 1969 theatrical release.

Seriously, is anybody at all surprised at how popular this film was thirty years after its release? It was released in theaters in 1940, 1942, 1946, 1956, 1969, 1982 and 1985 and has since seen multiple home video releases. This film didn't turn a profit until 1969 when it turned a HUGE profit. I think the Disney marketing machine knew what it was doing then. Look at the poster:

"Let's go check out this 13th Floor Elevators Show! Oh, wait...Disney? Oh well, looks trippy enough. Get the bong."

But back to the actual film: this was one gutsy move on Walt Disney's part. He defined an art form with Snow White and then had pretty good critical (if not financial) success with Pinocchio so why, then, did he go all Radiohead's Kid A on his third film? Didn't he know he needed an OK Computer to bridge the gap? And as I put the Radiohead metaphor to bed, I want to say that he actually did have that middle piece, he just released it after Fantasia. It's called Dumbo and I'm reviewing it next.

So Disney makes the first experimental art-house concert animated film, broken up into eight segments:

1) Johann Sebastian Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor

Here we get live-action silhouettes of the orchestra against colored background (kind of cutting edge for 1940) which melds into colorful visual impressions. The idea was that since the music didn't come with a ready-made narrative (like many of the others), the animators would just kind of doodle. I'll bet in 1969 this was one of the more popular segments. In 1940, I'll bet it was kind of...odd.

2) Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite

Of course today, we know this as Christmas music. But back then, it was apparently not very popular and was associated with dancing plants/fungi.

3) Paul Dukas' The Sorcerer's Apprentice

This is the most popular and well-known segment of this film, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that every piece of promotional art ever made for this film besides the 1969 poster includes a picture of Mickey Mouse wearing the Sorcerer's Hat. This was the image Disney wanted associated with this film and it is the enduring image. And it's one of the best parts of the film as well, which I think can be attributed to the familiarity we have with Mickey as viewers. We're automatically invested in whatever happens to him, and what happens is that he meddles in things he shouldn't and gets in over his head. I'll bet you've got the tune in your head, right now. Don't you? You're humming it and imagining Mickey putting the broom to work and you're still humming it.

4) Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring

It's funny to watch this one, because ideas of evolution and what caused the extinction of the Dinosaurs has changed since 1940, not to mention our understanding of Dinosaurs in general. Here we get the early stages of life on earth with single-celled organisms developing into more complex forms of life until we get the pinnacle of evolution, the T-Rex.

You Won't Fool The Children of the Revolution

Only the Dinosaurs look ridiculous in comparison to the way we depict them now; they move so goofy, and the Tyrannosaurus looks suspiciously like an overgrown malformed crocodile. And then instead of a meteor striking Earth, apparently just a bunch of volcanoes erupted simultaneously and killed off the Dinosaurs. Also...what does this have to do with The Rite of Spring, which was about Pagan rituals? Ah, whatever...

5) Meet the Soundtrack

We get a line on the screen which changes whenever we hear a new sound. They go through the entire orchestra but never once mention a Contrabass Sarrusophone. Lame.

6) Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony

This was probably also a favorite of audiences who were tripping, because it has Unicorns and Centaurs and more than one Pegasus (what is the plural of Pegasus?) and also has Bacchus throwing a huge party which gets interrupted by a lightning bolt trigger-happy Zeus. So, you know...exactly what the Dinosaur segment should have been about. Only then there wouldn't have been any Dinosaurs, so...

This portion of the film is something modern audiences have NEVER seen in its original form. Why, do you ask? Because in the original there was one black female Centaur who worked as a servant for the white, blonde female Centaurs, doing menial tasks for them while they all got ready to frolic with the hot male centaurs. This character has not appeared in the film since before 1969, when she was cut out by an editor who cited it as an "appalling...racial stereotype." I can see why they would do that.

7) Ponchielli's Dance of the Hours

This is the one where Ostriches, Hippos, Elephants and Alligators all dance together with the end result of toppling the palace in which they are dancing. Years later, Disney would get a little more mileage out of this "Hippos are fat" joke by using it again in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

8) Mussorgsky's Night on Bald Mountain and Schubert's Ave Maria

The demon Chernabog spends the night summoning evil spirits and restless souls to do his bidding, which apparently is just a whole lot of flying around a mountain top. And, before he can start his real evil plan, the Church bells ring and he calls off plans while he settles in for the day. We can only assume he does this every night and, until he learns how to get better organized, won't ever enact any actual evil. Or maybe he's counting on the church bells not ringing some morning. But imagine you're one of the tripped-out 1969 viewers. You've seen cool colors, dancing mushrooms, brooms put into slavery, Dinosaurs, half naked centaurs and hilariously mismatched cartoon animals ballet dancing, and now, probably just as you start coming down from your high "HOLY CRAP THE DEMON CHERNABOG!"

"Guys...tell me I'm not the only one seeing this..."

Scary, Disney. Real terrifying.

This film works because it's so different. It was a risk but it was worth it. Only, not at the time. It took years for people to appreciate this film the way Disney wanted it to be appreciated (and I'm not talking about hippies, but professional film critics and film historians, you know, people who used to be hippies). The original vision was for this film to be re-released every year, each time with some of the original segments but also with new ones. If it had immediately achieved the level of success it did thirty years later, Disney's vision might have come to fruition. But instead, we are left with this single dazzling wall of sight and sound.

There are a few problems, of course. The first section feels like it's running slow. To borrow a phrase I heard on the NPR Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast, I kept waiting for the word "Buffering" to appear on the screen (to all of my older readers, that's an online video joke). And the arrangements were done by Leopold Stokowski, the conductor, and they are somewhat paired down from the original orchestrations of the pieces. Which probably doesn't matter to most people, but when you grew up in the house I grew up in, and played in an orchestra yourself, and in that orchestra while growing up in that house played some of the pieces of music found in Fantasia you actually do notice these things. I understand why it was done: first off, it's easier to record a smaller group than a larger one, especially at the time. But also, this had never been done before, and it was a massive financial gamble. Disney was probably looking for cost-cutting measures wherever he could find them. "Do we need thirty violinists? Can we get by with fifteen? Good." That sort of thing.

What's strange about this film, and about Pinocchio is that although neither was a great success at first, both of these films have weathered well through time and have become classics not only of animated film, but of film in general. Fantasia especially added another dimension to a medium still yet in its infancy. Without Fantasia we probably wouldn't have any of the Warner Brothers' Looney Tunes "Kill the Wabbit'" sung to the tune of Ride of the Valkyries style cartoons. And that, my friends, would be a terrible, horrible loss.

Also, the real T-Rex wanted to say something.

"Get it on/Bang a Gong/Get it On!"

Disclaimer about the Wikipedia article on Fantasia. Joke about Wikipedia's accuracy.

Facial Hair February: Day 16

2011-02-16T20:33:00.000-06:00

I expect at least one "Where's Waldo" joke.

Has anyone heard the new Devotchka album? You can listen to it right now for free at nprmusic.org!

Also, new Decemberists album is already out, new Peter Bjorn & John is coming out next month, new Iron & Wine is out, new Fleet Foxes, new Adele...2011 is looking like it might be quite a nice year for music!

Facial Hair February: Day 15

2011-02-15T21:55:00.000-06:00

We got our taxes done today. Hooray!

Later this week: Reviews of Fantasia and Dumbo, a rant about encores at concerts, and of course, more scraggly facial hair.

Facial Hair February: Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T21:18:00.000-06:00

BLURG SUCH A LONG DAY.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Review: Pinocchio, or Let's Ignore Unpleasantries

2011-02-14T07:15:00.008-06:00

After the success of Snow White, Disney set to adapt another fairy tale as an animated feature. This time, instead of choosing a traditional Grimm fairy tale, he chose The Adventures of Pinocchio by Italian children's author Carlo Collodi. What we get is a fairly compressed and, actually, slightly less terrifying version of the original story. Just remember...it's less terrifying than the original. Let me give you just a small taste:

In the original version, Pinocchio has Geppetto arrested for child abuse, kills the talking cricket which lived in Geppetto's house, accidentally burns his feet off, narrowly escapes becoming firewood for a puppeteer, bites a cat's hand off, and gets strung up and hung from a branch.

He. bites. off. a. cat's. hand.

He's Right; they totally are.

Also, he kills the talking cricket.

That would have made for a very different, much darker film. Like, so dark, David Fincher would be all like, "Whoa, that's twisted and dark."

So, my original review about how terribly dark this film is can now be thrown out the window.

Basically, the main difference between the source material and the film is Pinocchio himself. Originally, he is kind of a half-crazed wooden Dennis the Menace, but in the Disney film he is given a kind of innocent naivety. Also, he doesn't bite off anybody's hand or kill Jiminy Cricket.

But we can't ignore the darkness in this film; when he is led astray by Honest John and Gideon, the puppeteer who takes him on basically enslaves him. It's only with the help of Jiminy and the Blue Fairy that he's able to escape. And then we get Pleasure Island.

Wow, Pleasure Island. Let me tell you something about that part of the film. First off, the Coachman tells Honest John and Gideon to convince boys to go to Pleasure Island, and they shudder. Think of that; Honest John and Gideon, who are con men willing to sell Pinocchio into slavery, shudder at the thought of this place called Pleasure Island. The conversation goes like this:

The Coachman: I'm collecting stupid little boys.

Honest John: Stupid little boys?

The Coachman: You know, the disobedient ones who play hooky from school.

Honest John: Ohh!

The Coachman: And you see...
[Whispers in Honest John's ear; Gideon puts his ear to Honest John's other ear so he can listen as well]

The Coachman: And I takes 'em to Pleasure Island.

Honest John: [nods in agreement] Ah, Pleasure Island.
[suddenly shocked]

Honest John: Pleasure Island? But the law! Suppose they...

The Coachman: No, no. There is no risk. They never come back... as BOYS!
[leans in close to camera and smiles wickedly]

I'm sorry, but...a creepy old man taking a bunch of boys to "Pleasure Island" and they "never come back...as boys!" is really really terrifying. I was watching it and, keeping a fresh perspective in mind, I thought, "Ew, this guy is a real creeper." It feels like Pleasure Island is one whole metaphor for something else entirely.

So after all the boys get turned into donkeys (except for Pinocchio, who escapes with only ears and a tail), he and Jiminy wander back to Geppetto's house. Now, it seems like it's only been a day, at most, since Pinocchio went missing, but the house is shuttered and abandoned and looks like it's been so for some time. I guess we're dealing with compression of the narrative, but it really does seem like it has been less than a day or so since the film even started. But Geppetto is all ready out looking for Pinocchio, and he took his cat and the fish that is madly in love with the cat, and they've all been swallowed by a giant whale named Monstro. Pinocchio and Jiminy head out to sea, get swallowed by Monstro, and rescue Geppetto. Pinocchio sort of dies in the process, but the Blue Fairy shows up to turn him for real into a real boy. And they all live happily ever after.

At the core, this is a quest story; it's basically about Pinocchio earning his conscience (or his soul, I guess). He faces hardships and obstacles and temptations and, through the ultimate sacrifice, comes out ahead. The only problem with this sacrifice I see comes from the fact that Pinocchio didn't really change that much. He's not mischievous, as Pinocchio is in the original story, he's just easily manipulated. Manipulated into slavery, manipulated into a trip to Pleasure Island. So when he goes out in search of Geppetto he's not doing it due to any change of heart. We never get the sense that he wouldn't do anything for Geppetto, so we're not surprised by his bravery. We're only surprised by his sacrifice because this is a children's movie and he is the titular character (though, in the last Disney film we saw, the titular character appeared dead for a while as well, which is another theme we'll see in many of these features). We know that Geppetto is searching for Pinocchio because Geppetto loves him, and we know Pinocchio feels the same way.

In the original, Pinocchio has to learn humility, sympathy, empathy, responsibility, friendship, and so on and so forth before becoming a real boy. The only lesson Disney's Pinocchio learns is that he shouldn't lie, otherwise his nose could poke somebody's eye out. The problem is that though he does prove he's unselfish, brave and truthful by the end of the movie, we never see him being selfish or cowardly. There's nothing at stake as far as his character goes.

I'm not saying it doesn't have its strong points. Like Snow White, Pinocchio is visually stunning and parts of it are laugh-out-loud funny. For instance, when Honest John and Gideon are tricking Pinocchio into the trip to Pleasure Island, Honest John gives him a thorough "examination" while whipping him around, with Gideon taking notes in the background. Gideon's notes are no more than scribbles, but Honest John consults them and convinces a very dizzy and disheveled Pinocchio that he has an allergy. It's a funny bit of writing with good visuals. And Monstro, the whale, is one of the more terrifying monsters of any animated film, ever. But the story is still lacking in good character development. It just falls flat when I apply my film-class-addled powers of examination.

And I can't leave off without saying how truly scary it is that though our main characters get to live happily ever after, all those boys on Pleasure Island got turned into donkeys and never got to go home. In fact, in the original story, Pinocchio ends up working on a farm and has to tend to a dying Donkey, who turns out to be his best friend from his days on Pleasure Island. Yikes. If they had kept that part in the film, guaranteed that it would have been even less of a financial success than it was. Though, to be fair, the reason this film's original box-office earnings did not match up to Snow White is because of the outbreak of WWII, which limited its international release by quite a few years. Don't worry, though; Disney has more than made up for this lack of income over the multiple home video releases in the last thirty years.

Well, that's it for now. Next time, I get to review Fantasia, which is going to be very challenging because I won't get to pad it out with a plot summary. Should be fun!

Once again, I consulted the Wikipedia Page for information on this film, and also about the original novel. Michael Scott says since anybody can edit Wikipedia, you know it's accurate. And I trust that man completely.

Facial hair February: Day 13

2011-02-13T20:19:00.000-06:00

Fun fact: today is the day in 2003 I proposed to my wife. I didn't want to do it on Valentine's Day, that's way too cliché.

Since I'm guessing some of you may be reading this on Monday, Happy Valentine's Day.

Facial Hair February: Day 12

2011-02-13T10:54:00.000-06:00

Today is the day I keep it totally classy.

Suit, Tie, Beard.

Facial Hair February: Day 11

2011-02-11T23:24:00.000-06:00

When I got home from work today, Juliette kept running her hands all over my beard. I hope she does it again tomorrow when Kathy or I have a camera handy.

I look tired, but that's only because I am tired.

Facial Hair February: Day 10

2011-02-10T21:46:00.001-06:00

I'm waiting for that day when it stops being scratchy and starts being just fuzzy.

Not today.

Fun Fact: My wife made that quilt hanging on the wall behind me. Isn't it awesome?

Facial Hair February: Day 9

2011-02-09T21:09:00.001-06:00

I noticed today that I have a small spot on the left side of my upper lip where no hair is growing. See if you can spot it!

That is not an argyle sweater, if you can believe that

Facial Hair February: Day 8

2011-02-08T21:42:00.001-06:00

Facial Hair February: Day 7...

2011-02-07T22:12:00.001-06:00

...in which Elliot shaves the neck beard.

Seriously, folks, this isn't No Shave November, it's Facial Hair February. I think a little clean-up is not only allowed, but in some cases encouraged.

This month long series of facial hair photos gives my readers the added benefit of being able to see my extensive variation on the "Argyle Sweater over Button Down Shirt" style which has, in some social circles, come to define me.

Facial Hair February: Days 4-6

2011-02-06T23:31:00.001-06:00

Sorry all, I was in Chicago this weekend visiting some friends who hadn't met Juliette. We went to the Shedd Aquarium and had dinner at Pizano's and Jules had a great time. For the record, so did we.

Also, I'm working on my next three Disney reviews already, just have to finish them and post them.

And for anyone who is wondering why I am doing Facial Hair February, it's because aside from the first twelve and a half years of my life, the longest I've ever gone without shaving is twenty days. I just want to see what I look like with facial hair.

2/4/11 Moments until departure for Chicago

2/5/11 In front of the spiral staircase in my friend's loft condo. I love that condo.

2/6/11, finally home from Chicago

Facial Hair February: Day 3

2011-02-04T01:35:00.001-06:00

Sorry so late. Writing.

Jules didn't want to be put down, and also she says she hasn't shaved since August 5th

Facial Hair February: Day 2

2011-02-02T20:31:00.002-06:00

Okay, I'm almost done bothering you for the day. Just wanted to give you today's facial hair image.

Look for more tomorrow...

Review: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

2011-02-02T20:15:00.000-06:00

In 1937, Walt Disney produced the world's first feature-length cel-animated motion picture in color, and the first animated feature in America. You've probably seen it and are currently having trouble remember the names of a few of the eight titular characters. Of course, I'm talking about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

This film was adapted from a fairy tale of the same name, by the Brothers Grimm. In it, we see the story of a beautiful young girl who is hated by her evil stepmother but who, in the end, rides with Prince Charming to live happily ever after. If this sounds super familiar, remember that it set the tone for some of Disney's most successful animated films with basically the same plot. But I digress.

The story is a simple one, which was perfect for a medium which was in its infancy. Many people, including Walt Disney's wife Lillian, were not convinced the general public would pay to see a full length animated film. Had the naysayers been right, this film would have gone down in the history books as "Disney's Folly" and we would all be deprived of a great many cinematic classics.

Sure, I've seen this movie several hundred times probably, but I tried to watch it with a critical eye this time around. And what struck me is just how scary it can be in places. Snow White's stepmother (the Queen) is a dangerous character, when you get right down to it. She orders one of her servants to kill Snow White. Creepier still is that she asks the servant to bring Snow White's heart back in a box as proof. When he brings back the box with what is believed by the queen to be Snow White's heart, she keeps it as some kind of trophy. Also, she has a room in the dungeons where she keeps evil magic potions and spell books. Here's the thing: aside from a propensity to talk to animals and clean other peoples' cottages after barging in uninvited, Snow White is pretty well-adjusted so you have to imagine that either her father or biological mother was as well. And the stepmother/Queen must not have been around too long, because she doesn't seem to have tainted Snow White much. So, for the sake of argument, let's say it was her father who was well-adjusted. Why would he marry such a freak? Unless she put a spell on him, I guess. But what if it was her mother who was well-adjusted? We're never told what happened to the mother, so given the evidence of a mentally unbalanced, jealous, actually bona fide evil stepmother, I don't think it's too much of a leap to guess that Snow White's bio-mother's heart is probably in a box somewhere in the Queen's private office. Just let that sink in.

But you also never see Snow White's father, so my new theory is this: both parents were well adjusted, and loved her dearly. Then, Witchy Woman comes along with a load of evil paraphernalia including a magic mirror which is the heaviest-handed symbol of vanity ever put to film and which probably tells her that the current queen is way better looking and probably also a lot nicer and, seeing the castle, she says, "I'll bet there's some dungeon room I could keep all this stuff in. Time for a power grab!" At which point she hires some down-trodden peasant unhappy with the political climate to whack Snow White's totally hot mother while she herself concocts Love Potion Number Nine to slip into the grieving King's wine at the funeral. Of course,she didn't count on little Snow White, so she's got to rethink the plans a bit. After the wedding, she puts away her love potion and promises the aforementioned peasant a cushy cabinet position if he also murders the king. Of course, he gladly does this and is summarily caught and beheaded without a trial to avoid any possible whisper of foul play against the royal family. So now she's queen, and she's got this magic mirror that tells her she's totally the hottest, but she's got this beautiful little stepdaughter who might some day become more beautiful. So, I guess because at that point she figured another murder might seem a bit suspicious, she makes Snow White a scullery maid in the hopes, I guess, that the life of a peasant girl might ravage her looks? Because now that she's in power, all she wants is to remain the hottest.

Of course it backfires and Snow White becomes more beautiful the very day she meets Prince Charming, at which point we get the thing with the heart in a box. Only, this guy who can't bring himself to kill Snow White put a pig's heart in the box. For some reason, the queen waits a whole day to ask the mirror if she's now back on the top of the heap. Of course the mirror says, "Nope, still your stepdaughter, duh, your minion brought you a pig's heart," and she's so angry she concocts a plan to kill Snow White once and for all. Nary a mention what happens to said minion, but I'll bet it wasn't pleasant.

At this point, yes, I will admit that I am not talking about ANY of the titular characters. That's because Snow White herself is one dimensional; she is a beautiful but naive girl who wants to marry Prince Charming (whom she has only met once, briefly while singing to some birds) while the Dwarfs are seven guys who live in one house together, and each of them has a name to describe their defining characteristic except for Doc, the bumbling leader. So, basically, Snow White wanders into a frat house and then plays den mother until the queen shows up with a poisoned apple. I'll get to that bit now.

So, this poisoned apple that the queen painstakingly makes is kind of a mistake. Here's the thing, you wouldn't buy a "build your own helicopter" kit and put it together without first making sure that what you bought was a working helicopter and not just a model, right? That's kind of what the queen does with the apple; she makes the apple thinking, "This is going to totally kill Snow White!" When she's done, she then says, "Let me just make sure that this will actually do what it's supposed to..." and reads the second page of the instructions. That's the page which says, "Oh, hey, instead of killing the person, it'll just look like the person is dead and said person will stay that way until experiencing love's first kiss." So she takes a real risk here; I guess she thought that a Scullery Maid would have already had love's first kiss and that therefore any kiss she got would be love's second kiss and not a problem? Or maybe, she thought, "Who's going to fall in love with somebody who's dead?" That actually is a pretty solid argument, now that I think of it. Yeah, that was probably what she was thinking. Still, I would have read all of the instructions and then tried to find another potion, maybe one labeled "Deadly Poison Which Will Cause Permanent Death." That probably wouldn't be an apple. That would probably be broccoli.

It tries to warn you with its terrible taste

So the queen gets the apple to Snow White while the dwarfs all go off to work in the mines. She's not posing as the queen, though, because Snow White would recognize her. No, instead she poses as an ugly old crumpled up woman with warts because, you know, everybody trusts people who look exactly like every witch ever depicted throughout history. The animals which Snow White can talk to try to stop the deal from going down, but she ignores them and thinks they're being rude. Never mind that these same animals have established a reputation of helping Snow White clean the dwarfs' house and, oh, that's right, led her to safety when she was first abandoned in the woods. So, rebuffed, the animals head to the mine and have to forcibly drag the dwarfs back to their cabin because, again, the animals are mistaken as just being crazy. See, people, you should always trust animals and do their bidding. Must take a break and get Amethyst her dinner. Also some catnip.

Back. So the dwarfs get back and of course Snow White appears to be dead, and the queen is all, "Mua HAHAHA!" all over the place, and she tries to crush the dwarfs under a boulder but instead falls to her death. Which is too bad, because then she never got to go back to her mirror and ask it who was the best looking and hear it say "Well, since technically your apple didn't kill her, it's Snow White..." Totally missed out on a really good straight-to-home-video sequel there, Disney. Anyway, the dwarfs are super sad, because they think Snow White is dead. But instead of burying her, they put her in a glass coffin. Months pass, and finally Prince Charming comes around and opens the glass coffin and kisses her and, hey presto! she wakes up. They ride to the castle and they live happily ever after. Sweet deal! Though, of course, there's the matter of all the heart boxes, black magic potions, spell books,and creepy talking mirror which have to be cleaned up. But that's a job for the scullery maid! Oh, wait...oh man...

All kidding aside, though, this is a triumph of animated film. Most of the panning camera shots (that's the lingo, I know the camera's not moving but the drawings are changing, but still, animated films use the same lingo as live-action films) were done using layered drawings, meaning that the relative positions of objects in the foreground move differently than from things in the background, which is pretty well advanced. There are animated films made recently without such attention to detail. And the backgrounds themselves are gorgeous watercolor paintings (a technique only used by Disney in Snow White, Dumbo and 2002's Lilo & Stitch, amazingly). And the film was a great success. The AFI has honored Snow White as one of its top 100 films (#49 on the 1998 list, #34 on the 2007 list) as well as ranking it first of all animated films. Its simple story and beautiful animation are its two strongest points, and in an animated film, what more do you need?

===

Aside from watching the film, before reviewing I also consulted the film's Wikipedia article. And we all know that they are never wrong.

Official List of Disney Films

2011-02-02T19:58:00.000-06:00

From which we will be watching.

We decided to go with feature length animated (or mostly animated) films which saw theatrical release, which means no direct-to-home-video sequels or anything of the sort. Instead of sticking with the list of 50 Disney Animated Classics (which, for some reason, includes a film still currently in theaters, Tangled which seems like that's not the real definition of a "classic") we've opted to also include some of the other theatrical releases including all of the Pixar films (spoiler alert: they're all awesome).

I'm using the list found here, so if you can think of any that are missing go ahead and let me know, but this seems pretty comprehensive. Some of the ones I was considering including in the list are actually impossible to find on either Amazon or Netflix (such as The Reluctant Dragon), so they're not included.

Here's the list:

1. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
2. Pinocchio
3. Fantasia
4. Dumbo
5. Bambi
6. Saludos Amigos
7. The Three Caballeros
8. Make Mine Music
9. Fun and Fancy Free
10. Melody Time
11. The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad
12. Cinderella
13. Alice in Wonderland
14. Peter Pan
15. Lady and the Tramp
16. Sleeping Beauty
17. One Hundred and One Dalmatians
18. The Sword in the Stone
19. The Jungle Book
20. The Aristocats
21. Robin Hood
22. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
23. The Rescuers
24. The Fox and the Hound
25. The Black Cauldron
26. The Great Mouse Detective
27. Oliver and Company
28. The Little Mermaid
29. The Rescuers Down Under
30. Beauty and the Beast
31. Aladdin
32. The Lion King
33. A Goofy Movie
34. Pocahontas
35. Toy Story
36. James and the Giant Peach
37. The Hunchback of Notre Dame
38. Hercules
39. Mulan
40. A Bug's Life
41. Tarzan
42. Toy Story 2
43. Fantasia 2000
44. The Tigger Movie
45. An Extremely Goofy Movie
46. Dinosaur
47. The Emperor's New Groove
48. Atlantis: The Lost Empire
49. Spirited Away
50. Monster's Inc
51. Lilo & Stitch
52. Treasure Planet
53. Piglet's Big Movie
54. Finding Nemo
55. Brother Bear
56. Home on the Range
57. The Incredibles
58. Howl's Moving Castle
59. Pooh's Heffalump Movie
60 Chicken Little
61. The Wild
62. Cars
63. Meet the Robinsons
64. Ratatouille
65. Wall*E
66. Bolt
67. Up
68. The Princess and the Frog
69. Toy Story 3
70. Tangled

I'm sure by the time we get up to Tangled, not only will it be on DVD, but I'm sure I'll have to review Cars 2. Sweet deal. Look forward to it. Look!

It Starts...

2011-02-01T21:19:00.001-06:00

Per request, I am giving you a baseline picture of what I look like clean-shaven.

This is how I dress everyday.

Okay, okay, bad example for two reasons: 1) It's not close enough and 2) it's like ten years old. This photo was posted on facebook by the girl I took to prom senior year of high school. This was taken on prom night. And to answer your question, the jacket was a joke and it was replaced with a standard black jacket after the limo picked up my date.

Okay, the real baseline image is also not incredibly recent, but, would you believe, I had to track back more than a year to find a good picture of me without stubble? It's true. Check it out.

11/21/2009 - My 27th Birthday at Growler's Pub

Still not a close up, but it gives you a better sense. Note my sweet Sunny Day Real Estate Shirt. Note it!

So yesterday, I shaved with my Gillette Mach 3 Turbo instead of my electric razor because the manual one gives me a much better shave. And today, around 5 PM, I looked like this:

Sorry for the strange, psycho-killer qu'est-ce que c'est run run run run run run run away look. And ten points to those who get the reference.

There you have it.

Two Things:

2011-02-01T18:54:00.000-06:00

First, Kathy and I are planning on watching all of the Disney Animated Features in chronological order. I will then review each one on this blog. You may ask why I don't do that over at my dad blog, and the answer is that I consider film reviews more writing and less child-rearing.

Second, I am taking part in Facial Hair February. There will be picture evidence of such.

All for now.

The New Year's Not Quite Lost Its Shine Yet...

2011-01-12T23:35:00.001-06:00

Sorry my first post of 2011 is taking place nearly thirteen days into 2011. Also, sorry I totally skipped the month of December. It was a busy time for me and my family, as I'm sure it was for everybody. I am back now, though.

So, some resolutions:

1) Write. One hour at least. Every Day. This will be harder than anything, I think, because of my work schedule being somewhat unpredictable (I don't always punch out at 5), and being a parent. But I'm allowing myself to count writing in either of my blogs, working on the novel, or even doing revision on something old towards that hour. So today, for instance, I've already logged two hours! Sweet deal! Also, I joined a group of fellow writers to meet once a month to workshop each other's stories and talk about the craft, the business or just plain gossip. So that should keep me motivated, too!

2) Get back into the habit of reading books. I started reading Colum McCann's Let the Great World Spin about a month after I graduated. That puts me in June of 2009. Here it is January of 2011 and I haven't finished it. Now, just to be fair, I have read other books in that time. I think part of the problem was that I started too soon after graduation. The second half of my last semester of college was jam packed with so much reading, I think I read three novels a week for six weeks straight, and not always novels I would normally pick up if left to my own devices. I was burnt out, and so I had this aversion to reading which still lingers for this novel. Which is a shame, because I actually really like what I've read so far. At this point, though, I think I'll put it down and read some other books before I pick it up and start over from the beginning again.

3) Get back on the bicycle, if only for a little bit each week. Not doing great with this one. The problem is that my muscle memory is still really strong, and I get frustrated easily because I know how I want to ride, and I know I am capable of riding like that. Only, my muscles are not what they were when I was 19, before I got the Mono and lost thirty pounds of muscle mass. An hour on the bike doing two minute wind sprints every ten minutes used to be a very light day for me. Now, it's one of the most painful things I can do (and no, I don't do this, because I am not yet strong enough for it). The fix is that I did sign up for a groupon for a spinning class, I just have to, you know, go and do it. Right now my bicycle is on my stationary trainer in the basement, pointed at the television. Soon, I shall watch Breaking Away or The Road to Paris and get some time spinning. Soon.

4) Cook more meals. From scratch. I know it's super convenient to just pick up something premade from a restaurant or the store, and it's fairly easy to buy one of those meals-in-a-bag or box that you just have to heat in a skillet, and it's less easy but still pretty easy to throw a bunch of canned veggies and beans and stuff into a pot and let it simmer, but I have to tell you, I made up a recipe for Red Beans & Rice (based on a couple I found online) today, and it was just as good as any boxed red beans and rice I've had, but much more satisfactory and without all the sodium. Seriously, look at the ingredients on a can of red beans. Now look at the ingredients in a bag of raw, dry red beans. Yeah...lots of sodium and preservatives in the can. Lots of red kidney beans in the bag. Also, picked up some lentils. Couldn't find any loose chickpeas at the store I went to, I'll probably have to go to a specialty store for those. Got some curry paste. Oh yeah, I'm going to try my hand at some Indian food. Side note: I have heard "Chickpea" used as a term of endearment. I have heard "Garbanzo" used as a derogatory. But...chickpeas and garbanzo beans are the same thing. Makes you wonder, yes?

5) More music. I want to play more music and listen to more music. I got pretty into the music scene last year, but something tells me this year it might be a little harder. But already there's some music coming out this year I've got to get into, like the new Decemberists album The King is Dead or the new one from the Smith Westerns Dye it Blonde. I've actually heard both of these albums already, but I can't do a good deep listen unless, of course, I own them. But, just knowing that they're out there, I will grab them if and when I am able. Oh, yeah, that brings me to my next resolution. But first...The way I've justified buying music in the past year is twofold: one, a lot of the music I acquired last year was either free (following a lot of artists on Facebook leads me to a lot of free downloads, not to mention NPR's frequent free downloads and The Current's free downloadable song of the day) or was a gift (either iTunes gift cards or otherwise). But what little music I did purchase myself I purchased because I wanted to review it on this blog. I am going to set aside some money for Record Store Day 2011 to see if I can get some good deals on some used vinyl and maybe pick up a copy of whatever newest release is burning holes in my ear at that time. So, that brings me to...

6) Cut spending. I've gotten better at this the last few years, but I have to do this in earnest. Part of this will be accomplished by making more dinners at home and having leftovers to take in to work for lunch. Though, that's kind of an even trade, as I intend on not only eating more home cooked meals but for those meals to be healthier, which, as we know, means food will be more expensive, but, again, I'll be spending less on superfluous foods. So, that should even out. Also, sticking to grocery lists and not doing things like impulse buying DVDs off the cheap rack at department stores. Not that I ever do that, said the man with over five hundred titles in his DVD collection...no, each purchase has a purpose, a well thought out and motivated reason. No getting distracted by shiny things (that is the watch I've wanted since I first saw it in 2003 so if somebody would just drop $300 in my lap I'd be happy k thanks bye).

The list could go on. There are a few big resolutions that I need time to work on, and that I am not comfortable sharing with my general readership at this time. But I hope to share some day. Don't worry, it's not some deep dark secret that I'm hiding, just some other personal things. You know how it goes.

But as always, I resolve to be the best me I can be. This year, that involves being the best husband, father, and writer that I know I can be. Here's hoping 2011 is a good year for all.

Happy New Year, Readers.

===

Discussed in this post:

A Change

2010-11-11T22:52:00.000-06:00

I have been using the same template for this blog since 2006. I thought it was time to change it up, only not too much.

I noticed some of the gadgets on the right side of the blog were not working properly here, but they worked just fine on my other blog. So, I grabbed a new template and now, everything seems to be working just great.

Using a reader? Click here

I even shower with my pen, in case any ideas drip out of the waterhead. ~Graycie Harmon

Special Thanks

2010-10-26T23:17:00.000-05:00

I would like to thank all who came to hear me read this evening at the Tap Room. It was a great success!

This was actually the first open mic night at the Tap Room for the Writer's Guild, so in addition to the reading being a personal success, it was also a success for the organization as a whole.

Also, and this is one of the really cool things, one of the readers was Gerry Mandel, who read from his new book Shadow and Substance: My Time with Charlie Chaplin. This may not immediately be of a cool nature to you, until I explain to you that Gerry was one of my professors at Webster University. He was the instructor of my favorite class of the fall 2008 semester, The Films of Charlie Chaplin.

When I got up to read, I started by introducing myself and saying, "Funny story; Gerry Mandel was one of my professors!" Someone from he crowd said, "So, blame him if your writing is bad, right?"

After I read, we took a short break, during which Gerry came over and congratulated me on graduating, becoming a father and my reading. He also gave me a copy of his book which he then signed.

Pretty cool night.

I'ma go ahead and say this now; 2010 has kicked 2009's ass STRAIGHT. OUT. THE. DOOR. I mean, aside from Surfacing 2009, graduating from college and the release of three albums (see here and pick through the list for which three), 2009 was no good. 2010? Let's see...three more absolutely essential albums, Writers Guild awesomeness, signed-by-the-author book about Charlie Chaplin, amazing friends all the time and Juliette joining the family. Check and mate, 2009. Check. And. Mate.

Oh, you wanted to know more about the book?

Check here:

Tuesday Except: Live Edition

2010-10-24T22:07:00.000-05:00

So, who remembers my Tuesday Excerpts of olden days? Anyone?

Ah, I see some hands. Well, who misses that feature? Oh good, I see some hands there, too.

Well, get ready for a brand new Tuesday Excerpt this Tuesday, October 26th, LIVE!

That's right, I will be reading at the St. Louis Writers Guild "Writing to the Edge" Open Mic Night at the Schlafly Tap Room. The event starts at 7:30 PM and is open to the public.

Finally, you will get to experience a small slice of what I've been working on. And by working, you all know that I've spent a majority of that time looking something like this:

But still, come drink a beer or seven (the Pale Ale is a golden standby, though their special reserve beers are amazing), have some good food (I suggest the Bavarian Style pretzels with White Cheddar sauce if you just want something to snack on), and listen to some local writers read from their poetry, short stories, non-fiction and novels.

And, most importantly for you, my readers, get a real live version of a Tuesday Excerpt in person. How cool is that? I will be available afterwards to sign any piece of paper you happen to put under my nose. Or, to answer any questions or whatever. Or to have a beer with.

See you Tuesday!

Happy (Belated) Birthday CitySidewalk

2010-10-21T00:11:00.000-05:00

This one goes out to my friend CitySidewalk, the writer of Provocative & Talkative on the occasion of her twenty-fifth birthday!

I didn't talk about it much at the time, but when I was twenty-five, I went through a quarter-life crisis of sorts. I won't go into details except to say that I am glad I got over it. Unfortunately for me, at the time I didn't have any awesome friends to make me awesome mixes. Fortunately for you, CitySidewalk, you've got me.

I already gave her these mixes, so I'm not giving anything away. In fact, she seemed to love them quite a bit before she even listened to them, and asked that I blog about it.

Well, maybe instead of saying she "asked" me to "blog about it" I should correctly state that she demanded that I blog the actual mix and the accompanying liner notes. So, without further ceremony, I give you (my readers) CitySidewalk's twenty-fifth birthday present.

The begin, I gave her a copy of Arcade Fire's The Suburbs. Nothing too exciting there.

Second, I gave her a mix called Dust Yourself Off, which includes some inspirational/rollicking-good-time music. The mix is as follows:

1. Jessica - The Allman Brothers Band
2. It Don't Move Me - Peter, Bjorn and John
3. I Believe In a Thing Called Love - The Darkness
4. The Way We Get By - Spoon
5. Pretty Girls Don't Cry - Chris Isaak
6. Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
7. Times Like These (Acoustic) - Foo Fighters
8. Ali In The Jungle - The Hours
9. Regret - New Order
10. Feelin' Good - Muse
11. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter - The Anniversary
12. 40 Day Dream - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
13. Float On - Modest Mouse
14. Eleanor Put Your Boots Back On - Franz Ferdinand
15. Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
16. Dreams - BoDeans
17. This Too Shall Pass - OK Go
18. Don't Look Back in Anger - Oasis

But that's not all. Oh no, that's not all.

Last and absolutely not least, the part that she absolutely positively wanted me to blog about. But first...some background information.

CitySidewalk is kind of obsessed with finding a hipster boy to love. So I put together a special compilation just for her to aid her in this pursuit.

Blog readers: Please note that these are meant to be liner notes, not read on a blog, so a fair amount of scrolling may need to be done for the full effect. You've been warned.

USER’S MANUAL

Congratulations on turning twenty-five and receiving this awesome compilation disc! By following the instructions in this manual, you can be sure to enjoy your disc for many years to come. Proper care is needed at all times in the handling of this highly indie content. Avoid exposure to direct sunlight without cheap sunglasses. This product is intended to be used as bait to lure and capture hipsters, but no warranty is made against the possible capture of wannabes, posers, scenesters and emo kids who might cut themselves. Please take precautions when handling your hipsters and take steps to verify their credibility.

Track Listing:

Title – Band – Album

1. &Serenading – Mineral – Endserenading

2. Maps – Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Fever to Tell

3. Waste Time – The Fire Theft – The Fire Theft

4. Jesus, Etc. – Wilco – Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

5. Answers and Questions – Earlimart – Mentor Tormentor

6. Suffocation Keep – The Slip – Eisenhower

7. Young Folks – Peter, Bjorn and John – Writer’s Block

8. Crystalised – The xx – XX

9. Lover I Don’t Have to Love – Bright Eyes – Lifted or The Story is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground

10. We Used to Wait – Arcade Fire – The Suburbs

11. Gimme Less Friction – Heroic Doses – Heroic Doses

12. Seven – Sunny Day Real Estate – Diary

13. The Ghost Inside – Broken Bells – Broken Bells

14. Home – Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros – Up From Below

15. The Last Beat of Your Heart – DeVotchka – Curse Your Little Heart EP

16. Robbers – Cold War Kids – Robbers & Cowards

17. Meet Me In The City – The Black Keys – Chulahoma

18. Boxcar – Jawbreaker – 24 Hour Revenge Therapy

If, while listening in the company of another, consult this guide for appropriate responses to the following questions:

“Who is this?” (p 3)

“You like this band?” (p 4)

“You like this song?” (p 6)

“What did you think of the rest of this album?” (p 7)

For all other contingencies, consult your friendly Obscure Music Representative.

Question: “Who is this?”

If asked with contempt, the correct response is always, “Whatever, you’ve probably never even heard of them,” followed by an annoyed sigh, then provide the name of the band.

If asked with interest, respond with:

1. With poise, “This is Mineral. Isn’t it great? I think a lot of people who call themselves ‘emo’ these days need to give this a listen; this is just about where it all started, when ‘emo’ was just a genre of music and not some pre-packaged, Seventeen magazine fashion and lifestyle.” Act disgusted.

2. With mild shock, “You haven’t heard of Yeah Yeah Yeahs? Oh man…this is one of those songs you don’t want to accidentally have on in the background when you call your ex. Totally happened to a friend of mine. But no, they’re pretty cool.” Nod approvingly.

3. With understanding, “The Fire Theft. Don’t you think it’s strange that when you get Dan Hoerner, Jeremy Enigk and William Goldsmith together without Nate Mendel, it’s still Sunny Day Real Estate, but if Nate comes back but Hoerner leaves, they change their name to The Fire Theft? But then, after Sunny Day’s fourth album, would you have wanted to be in that band? Am I right?” Grin like a fool.

4. Nodding your head, “Ah, yeah, this is Wilco. Stupid record company tried to squeeze them out. But the internets sure saved the day, if you know what I mean.” Wink.

5. With a look of apprehension, “You’ve never heard of Earlimart? Geez, do you even listen to All Songs Considered?” Pretend like you don’t know the person for a few moments.

6. Smiling thoughtfully, “This is The Slip. They’re kind of a jam band from Boston. They’ve got some great stuff.” Turn it up.

7. Rocking out, “Peter, Bjorn and John. They’re totally Euro-pop and I love them to pieces!” Sing along at the top of your lungs.

8. Purse your lips, press your finger and quietly “Shh” the person, then make eye contact. Sultry and quietly, “It’s The xx. Sh, just listen.” If the person who asked is a cute boy, now may be a good time to make out. If it’s a cute girl, it’s always time to make out. I mean…um…high five.

9. Shrug. “Bright Eyes. Some of Conor Oberst’s stuff is kind of, well…meh, but I like a fair amount of it.” Smile and continue shrugging.

10. Remain stoic. “Arcade Fire.” Close your eyes and turn it up.

11. Giggling, “Heroic Doses. Fun fact, one of my good friends peed next to their drummer at Mississippi Nights.” Smile like a crazy person.

12. Getting super excited, “It’s Sunny Day Real Estate. And if Mineral is where it started, Sunny Day Real Estate is the absolute pinnacle of early ‘emo.’ They are to ‘emo’ as Glen Miller is to big band jazz.” Let the song end then start it over. Repeat if necessary.

13. Bobbing along with the music, “Broken Bells. Pretty sweet what can happen when the lead singer from The Shins gets together with Danger Mouse, eh?” Keep bobbing.

14. Looking aghast, “What, you haven’t seen any episode of any TV show in the past two years, or watched a car commercial or seen a trailer for an indie film? It’s Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. This guy and this girl singing are, like, totally in love with each other. It’s really cool.” Try to look like you long for that kind of creepy drugged-up hippy love.

15. Swaying to the music, “It’s DeVotchka. Did you see Little Miss Sunshine? They did a lot of the soundtrack.” Sway more.

16. In all seriousness, “Cold War Kids. Though, I haven’t checked their credentials to see if they were really affected by the cold war that much.” Try to keep a straight face.

17. Slow-jamming it out, “The Black Keys. I think they’re sooo retro in their sound. I love throwbacks.” Slow jam some more.

18. Throwing some punk-rock signs, “Jawbreaker! Jawbreaker! JAWBREAKER!!!” More punk signs.

Question: “You like this band?”

For this question, there are different responses for the different tones of voice in which it may be phrased.

1. Neutral/Positive tone: “Yeah, I mean, they really helped lay the groundwork for the indie/emo pop explosion of the early part of the last decade. Not a lot of people know that, you know? Most people think emo started with bands like Death Cab for Cutie or, ugh, Panic! At the Disco, but we wouldn’t have either of them without Mineral. Though, the fair question is, do we like Mineral enough to put up with Panic! At the Disco, or do we go back in time and stop Mineral from ever releasing an album?” Negative tone: “Yeah. I like my emo bands to be about the music, and not about cutting themselves for the benefit of the scene. Jeez.”

2. Neutral/Positive tone: “Of course! They’ve been a great standout for girls in indie rock. So many genres are boys only clubs, you know? But I guess when the boys in the club are kind of already girly…” Negative tone: “You know you like them, too. You just say you don’t like them because everybody likes them and you feel like you’re supposed to, but no, you’re way too non-conformist. When I finally admitted that to myself, I started to enjoy them. You will too, ya jackwagon.”

3. Neutral/Positive: “Yes, though never as much as Sunny Day Real Estate.” Negative: “No, never as much as Sunny Day Real Estate.”

4. Neutral/Positive: “I know they’re kind of the go-to band for people who want to be all edgy, but don’t know what “edgy” means, but yeah, they’re a great band to listen to. Solid B-plus band all the way, except for this album, which is awesome.” Negative: If you want to appease this person, choose option A. Otherwise, choose option B. A) “No. But you have to admit, this album is pretty awesome.” B) “Philistine.”

5. Neutral/Positive: “Oh my God, you should run their Pandora station. For that reason alone, everybody should like this band.” Negative: “Whatever, you’ve probably only just now heard of them.”

6. Neutral/Positive: “I discovered them on NPR one night. I can’t believe they’ve never come to St. Louis on a tour!” Negative: “It’s people like you who make them not want to come to St. Louis on tour.”

7. Neutral/Positive: “Don’t you think they’re like the perfect Euro Pop group? They’re a lot of fun.” Negative: “I know you didn’t just ask me that like you don’t like them, because I don’t hang out with people who don’t like awesome things.”

8. Neutral/Positive: “They totally deserved the Mercury Prize, I’m so glad they got it.” Negative: “Yeah, duh. You don’t? How many Mercury Prizes have you won?”

9. Neutral/Positive/Negative: “Not all of it, Bright Eyes is totally hit-or-miss. Also, I sometimes want to punch Conor Oberst in the junk to see if he actually has any balls. I’m guessing ovaries.”

10. Neutral/Positive: “They’ve really matured a lot, too. I liked their first album, but worried that they would try and sustain the same feel. My fears were ill founded, of course.” Negative: Start crying, look hurt.

11. Neutral/Positive: “Have you heard of them before? Aren’t they all kinds of awesome?” Then high five. Negative: “Pfft. I was gonna give you a high five, but now I think I’ll just be sick.”

12. Neutral/Positive: “Yes. Do you? Because if you do, we might be the bestest friends ever.” Negative: The only appropriate response is to cut off all communication with this person for ever, and sabotage any friendship they may have with people you care about.

13. Neutral/Positive: “I think it’s pretty neat that they were able to collaborate on this and on Dark Night of the Soul. And then they took this on tour. I really hope they put out a second album.” Negative: “I guess you probably hate kittens and penny candy too, huh?”

14. Neutral/Positive: “Aren’t they just super fun all the time to listen to? Love it!” Negative: “I will admit they can be kind of creepy, but come on, their accordion player was on that hilariously awful web show ‘Dorm Life’ and is a member of the Upright Citizens Brigade!”

15. Neutral/Positive: “Nick Urata’s voice is so amazingly haunting, I can’t help but fall in love a little bit every time.” Negative: “Don’t hold their commercial success against them; nobody even knows their name even though everybody’s seen Little Miss Sunshine.”

16. Neutral/Positive: Smile. “Yeah. I heart these guys.” Negative: Scowl. “Yes. I heart these guys, deal with it.”

17. Neutral/Positive: “I like any band that can sound so good with only two members.” Negative: “Let’s see you sound as good with just one other person. And go. I’m waiting, release an album. Right now. Do it.”

18. Neutral/Positive: Singing along with the music, “’One-Two-Three-Four, Who’s Punk What’s the Score!’ Ahhh awesomeness!” Negative: Throwing punk signs, “JAWBREAKER!! WHO’S PUNK NOW, BITCH?”

Question: “You like this song?”

Like the previous question, different tones require different responses.

1. Neutral/Positive: “Well, now that I’m a little older, it’s more nostalgic than anything. I mean, ‘Why am I so blind at twenty-two…’ doesn’t really speak to me anymore, but I still love it.” Negative: “You like your face?”

2. Neutral/Positive: “Yeah. I think it’s great that somebody can feel a love like that, you know. And have you seen the video? She looks like she’s in pain, it’s kind of neat.” Negative: Crying softly, “You just don’t know, do you?”

3. Neutral/Positive/Negative: “It’s among the few listenable songs they put out.”

4. Neutral/Positive: “It’s got great structure and melody, how could you not?” Negative: “Yeah. Something wrong with that, asshole?”

5. Neutral/Positive: “You know it.” Negative: Sing along, ignoring them.

6. Neutral/Positive: “It’s kind of powerful, yeah.” Negative: “Yes. Yes I do.” Cry a single tear.

7. Neutral/Positive: Smile and sing along, nodding. Negative: Smile and sing along off-key, nodding.

8. Neutral/Positive: If you want to make out with person, option A. If not, option B. A) “Yes. Wanna make out?” B) “Yes.” Negative: If you wanted to make out with person before they insulted your musical taste, option A. If not, B. A) “Yes. And it normally always makes me feel like making out. Normally.” B) “That’s one more strike for you, buddy.”

9. Neutral/Positive: “It’s kind of an interesting song, don’t you think? I mean, he’s talking about the rock star getting the groupie, but that the whole thing is just to feel kind of dead inside, you know? It’s just an interesting take on the usual story. Negative: “You’re just sad because you’re not a rock star, nor have you ever made out with one.”

10. Neutral/Positive: “Yes, it makes me want to write letters. You know?” Negative: I expect no negative reactions to this song. Should one arise, recommended action is to treat their disrespect with hostility and objects thrown towards heads.

11. Neutral/Positive: “Feel the groove of it; who wouldn’t love it?” Negative: “Eh, I can see how it might be an acquired taste.” Brood.

12. Neutral/Positive: Cry a little. “It’s just about the most perfect side one, track one of all time. Of all time.” Negative: Cry a lot. “You just don’t understand!” Storm out.

13. Neutral/Positive: “Oh yeah. And have you seen the video? Sci-Fi geeky awesome!” Negative: If a boy, option A. If a girl, option B. A) “Have you seen the video? Christina Hendricks is wearing a bikini.” B) “Have you seen the video? James Mercer and Brian Burton wear skin-tight futuristic space uniforms.”

14. Neutral/Positive: Sing along and smile. Negative: If you want to appease the person, option A. Otherwise, option B. A) “I really just like it because of how ironic it is that a totally underground band has this one song that everybody uses whenever they need a song for the last scene of a film or TV show or car commercial.” B) “Oh, come on, this doesn’t make you want to buy a Ford or see the latest Jason Reitmann film?”

15. Neutral/Positive: “Yeah, and did you know it’s a cover? The original group was Siouxsie and the Banshees.” Negative: “Look, I know Siouxsie and the Banshees did it first, but let it go! Nobody’s heard of either of them so it’s still totally indie rock to like them both!”

16. Neutral/Positive: “What I really like is how it’s actually sung out of tune a little bit.” Negative: “Oh, I’m sorry…do you have perfect pitch?”

17. Neutral/Positive: “Yeah. Totally throwback music.” Negative: “Well, some of us have good taste in music, and then there’s you.”

Question: “What did you think of the rest of this album?”

For this question, we will use the same response regardless of tone.

1. “It’s an essential listen to any one who claims they know what emo is all about. Because whatever everyone thinks it’s about, it used to be about the music before it was about hairstyle and skinny jeans and cutting yourself.

2. “Girls in Indie Rock rock way harder than the boys in Indie Rock rock. Rock rock on.”

3. “It’s no Diary.”

4. “I still can’t believe the stupid record company said no to it. Thank the good lord of music for the interwebs. I mean, don’t get me wrong, music still sounds better being picked up out of a groove by a needle, but if these songs hadn’t been leaked on the internet behind the record company’s back, we would never have heard of this. And, let’s be frank; this is Wilco’s best album ever.

5. “It all kind of sounds the same, but that’s not a bad thing because it all sounds pretty good.”

6. “I love ‘Paper Birds,’ the closing track, because it kind of ties the whole album together. Also, ‘Airplane/Primitive’ might be one of the best songs that nobody has ever heard. But, I have to say, bad choice on that first track ‘Children of December,’ I think it’s absolutely terrible.”

7. “Who cares about the rest of the album, I just listen to this one song over and over and over and over…no, just kidding, it’s great. Really.”

8. “This album is totally bedroom music. Like, you get this jammed on your stereo, light a candle, and if you’re not careful, that’s how mommy meets daddy.”

9. “There’s only so much of Conor Oberst whining that I can listen to in one sitting. I generally don’t listen to whole Bright Eyes albums. Too angsty.”

10. “I’m predicting that this is the masterpiece of their career, and that in generations to come this will be like Sgt. Pepper, The Wall, or Weezer’s Blue album. This is the album of the year, and I know it’s early to say, but probably of the decade.”

11. “It’s fun and interesting. It’s good background music for a party since there’s no lyrics. Though I can see how that can limit a band’s fan base, so no wonder they only put out the one album. Have you heard of Five Style? It’s the same kind of band, actually some of the same guys, they put out two albums. Not as good as this one, though.”

12. “’Diary’ is one of the greatest albums ever made. It’s perfect. It’s no wonder the band imploded afterwards, look at what they had to live up to. People were saying they were going to be the next Nirvana. Nobody really wanted that after Kurt Cobain killed himself. And of course, their third and fourth albums weren’t exactly high caliber. But hey, they did a great reunion tour last year, even if they skipped St. Louis.” Wipe a tear away at this point. “Great artwork too, I might add.”

13. “It’s a perfect tidy pop album. Danger Mouse is a genius and this partnership with Mercer was a great opportunity for both of them. I feel like with The Shins, Mercer has to stay true to the sweet-pop styles they’re known for. But with Broken Bells, you know, he’s able to experiment a little. And let’s face it; you’re nobody in today’s music world until you’ve collaborated with Danger Mouse. Well, unless you want to reinvigorate your career, then team up with Rick Rubin. Or if you want to return to the roots of your style, T-Bone Burnett is the guy. One of those three.”

14. “How could you not like it? How could anybody not listen to this band and just instantly love them? It just makes me smile!”

15. “It’s cool how they sound like a hybrid mariachi/Eastern European/American Rock band all rolled into one with tuba and accordion. Also, there’s some punk and an organ.”

16. “I kind of hoped at first that the whole album would follow this theme of robbers and cowards, but, you know, it’s still pretty good.”

17. “The first time I heard it, I thought there were four guys. And then I heard a live recording and I thought, yeah, four guys. So imagine my shock when I found out there were just two!”

18. “ONE TWO THREE FOUR WHO’S PUNK WHAT’S THE SCORE!!!!!”

I Used to Write Letters, I Used to Sign My Name

2010-10-07T21:37:00.000-05:00

Does anybody remember being younger and being excited to get a letter in the mail? I do. Letters from grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, postcards from friends on vacation, birthday cards...the list goes on. It was always such a singular pleasure to open a sealed envelope, knowing that whatever was inside was intended specifically for my eyes. Of course, as I got older, I got more mail. You would think that would make the novelty wear off, but you'd be wrong, because most of the mail I get these days consists of solicitations for services I either already have from another (or the same) company or that I don't need, invitations to apply for more debt than I already have accumulated, and demands that I pay for the services I use daily and the stuff I've purchased using credit or loans (in the vernacular, we call those "Bills" which reminds me of a funny story I need to tell you later).

But letters, actual real letters written by somebody I know, addressed personally to me, with salutations and inside jokes and a signature in ink...that is the kind of rare treat I love to get. And the pleasure is becoming increasingly rare for everyone in these days. Which is too bad, because while it's nice to be able to reach anyone anywhere with a cell phone, text them, e-mail them, instant message them, stalk them on Facebook, Google them constantly every day to see what they're up to...oh, um, not that I stalk anyone or Google people I know...umm...[Editor's note: Elliot is taking a break from blogging to delete his search history and learning how to use private browsing modes]...sorry, for a second there I had to, uh, cuddle with the cat. Daughter. One or both of those two things, yes.

Some of the great minds of our past were prolific letter writers, and some of those letters have since been bound and published and are a great wealth of information and insight into the minds of genius. Imagine being able to read the personal thoughts of someone like Einstein or Mark Twain, Carl Sagan, Robert Browning, Winston Churchill, Gandhi, John and Abigail Adams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Jackie Kennedy...amazing what you might learn about their thought processes, their struggles, their emotions and concerns. And the best are those correspondences which have been fully archived, such as the Leibniz-Clarke correspondence of Philosophical argument. What treasures can be found in letters!

But imagine trying to publish a book of all the e-mails two great minds of our future may have exchanged. Here is an imagined example:

===

From: PhysicsRoxBoSox@sweetmail.com
To: ThisIsNotALoveStory@yourmail.net
Subject: Weekend Plans

Hey dude, coming in to town this weekend. I'll call you with details. We should hit up the bars.

From: ThisIsNotALoveStory@yourmail.net
To: PhysicsRoxBoSox@sweetmail.com
Subject: Re: Weekend Plans

Damn, man, I'm actually going to be in Chicago this weekend. Gotta get some stuff from Ikea and hang out with a friend for her birthday. When are you going to be back?

From: PhysicsRoxBoSox@sweetmail.com
To: ThisIsNotALoveStory@yourmail.net
Subject: Re: Re: Weekend Plans

Too bad, I'm taking off Monday morning. If you're back in time on Sunday, we should get some ice cream or something.

Also, have you seen this photo of this hilarious cat?

Attachment: hugging_kitten.jpg

From: ThisIsNotALoveStory@yourmail.net
To: PhysicsRoxBoSox@sweetmail.com
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Re: Fwd: (Fwd): OMG THIS IS THE SCARIEST THING EVER DON'T SCROLL DOWN YOU'LL RUIN IT AND DIE...

I normally doen't send these along but thus wun frEaKed me out way 2 much they're are scary things in this wurld! (and I told you Obama was a socialist Nazi commie terrorist Muslin elitist)

etc.

===

You get the idea. And before you ask, no, those are not (to my knowledge) real e-mail addresses, nor are these e-mails transcripts of e-mails I have either sent or received. Promise.

And what would be even worse would be a book of back and forth text messages or tweets:

===

(314) Just got out of class meet u @ starbucks

(612) No can do maybe tomorsmy

(314) Tomorsmy?

(612) Stupid T9 my phone thinks tomorsmy is a word when I mean tomorsmy

(314) whatever i will c u tomorrow

(612) that's the word i was trying 2 say :)

===

PhysicsRox: Going to eat a burger made w/ Krispy Kreme for a bun yum!

NotALoveStory042: @PhysicsRox why do you eat death?

PhysicsRox: @NotALoveStory042 Maybe not the best idea, my stomach is killing me. http://twitpic.com/18gx42

NotALoveStory042: @PhysicsRox damn that looks tasty I'll be right there.

NotALoveStory042: my stomach is killing me.

===

While it may be entertaining, it adds nothing to the process of whatever these two people get into for their passion (presumable for the one guy he likes physics and the Red Sox while the other guy is maybe a writer?*) and also, it doesn't show any of the possible depth their friendship may actually have.

To that end, my good friend Zach and I have begun a correspondence via letter. And it feels great to open the envelopes, and equally great to seal them. Signing my name feels good. We write about what we do (he's a particle physicist), we write about the people in our lives, plans for upcoming events (mutual friends' weddings, holidays), and the pleasure of sending and receiving letters.

Get yourself a pen pal, everybody. And write with substance. Talk about your life, your longings, your yearnings, your passions. Don't type it up as a computer file, make contact with the paper, the pen in your hand. Or, if you have bad handwriting (like I do), get yourself a typewriter at a thrift shop and hammer away at those keys. And please, sign in ink. It feels good. Trust me, I know. I'm a writer.

===

*Yes, that is exactly what I was intending all along because this is a fictional universe in which my friend Zach and I text, e-mail and tweet at each other, and we're also really ridiculously inane about more than music, bikes, guitars and Douglas Adams. Again, fictional universe.

Premature Year-End Roundup

2010-09-23T23:04:00.005-05:00

I have been more plugged in to the music scene this year than I have in recent years. Perhaps it has to do with using a passion for new and exciting music to replace all that time I spent doing school work. Maybe it's that I spend far too much time listening to NPR's All Songs Considered and Chicago Public Radio and PRX's Sound Opinions while I drive around for work. It's probably a combination of those things. But I've already picked my five favorite albums for this year. I am well aware that there is more music yet to be released, and that some of it that I am unaware of may just blow these five out of the water. But, that having been said, these five are great. Granted, only the top two of these would have made it onto my "Best of the Decade" list if they had been released last year, which would have put the grand total of 2009 releases on that list up to five (a third of that list, wow...) but, in the months since I made that list, I realized I made errors. First off, Radiohead's Kid A should have been much higher on the list. Also, there was a noticeable lack of OK Go's Oh No which is a horrible oversight.

But, the list was subject to my mind frame at the time. I'm sure in six months when I think back, I'll have even more quibbles with it. Which only serves to remind me that this list of five could be the subject of ridicule in years to come, but for now, this is what I like, so this is what you get.

Also, sorry for the lack of posts about writing, and the lack of excerpts. When I'm writing but not working on the novel, I'm blogging, so I don't have much of anything else to share with you all. So, here goes; top five albums of 2010, mini-reviews of each, and a short list of what else you should listen to. I hope you find something you enjoy on here. Oh, and a note to a particular reader who criticized my Best Albums of the Decade list for its lack of female artists; I do apologize. It was not my intention to be misogynistic and, for the record, there are women who are members of The Decemberists, women in Sufjan Stevens' band, women in DeVotchka, and the first time I heard The Mars Volta, I thought the singer was a lady. Hopefully, I've remedied that by having a female artist in my top five and two more rounding out the list. Check it!

Top Five Albums (So Far) of 2010

5. Dark Night of the Soul - Danger Mouse & Sparklehorse
Picks: "Little Girl (Featuring Julian Casablancas)" "Insane Lullaby (Featuring James Mercer)" and "Grim Augury (Featuring Vic Chesnutt)"

The world has been waiting for this album for over a year. We waited through legal battles with Danger Mouse's label. We waited through a very limited release of David Lynch's companion book (complete with a CD-R labeled "For Legal Reasons, enclosed CD-R contains no music. Use it as you will."). We waited with sadness through the suicides of contributing artist Vic Chesnutt Sparklehorse's Mark Linkous. It was finally released in July of 2010, with more emotional weight and poignancy than originally intended. With that backdrop, it's hard to criticize the album too much. There are gems on this, like Chesnutt's contribution "Grim Augury" and James Mercer's "Insane Lullaby" (recorded before Mercer and Danger Mouse collaborated on Broken Bells). Jason Lytle makes a great appearance, but then you've got David Lynch's vocals on the title track, and Black Francis' contribution "Angel's Harp" feels a little forced. Still, the album packs an emotional punch in a beautifully produced package.

4. Of The Blue Color of the Sky - OK Go
Picks: "This Too Shall Pass" and "End Love"

OK Go understands the role the internet plays in selling music; they proved this with the video for their hit "A Million Ways" in 2005. The song was off their second album Oh No and the video became a viral sensation. Within a year of its release, the video had been downloaded over nine million times. It's still one of the all-time most watched videos on youtube. With this latest album, EMI and Capitol records took steps to block youtube videos from being embedded on other sites (such as this blog) in an effort to keep ad revenue. The way it works, apparently, is that every time you watch a music video for a Capitol Records artist on youtube, advertisers pay the record company. When the video is embedded on a different website, the advertisers do not pay. The band was furious with Capitol's decision to block embedding, as the embedding of "A Million Ways" and the second video from Oh No "Here It Goes Again" were crucial to the success of that album. OK Go split from Capitol, re-releasing the record in April (originally it had been released in January). By way of announcing this newfound freedom, the band recorded a new video for their first single "This Too Shall Pass" which remains one of the greatest videos ever released (check it out below). The DIY feel of the video is perfect for the band's brave new world. But on top of their amazing video-making skills and their new-order business savvy, OK Go has turned out a fine album which has been compared to both Radiohead's OK Computer as a turning point in their career and to the best work of Prince (listen to "White Knuckles" and you'll see what people mean). "End Love" is a personal favorite for its mood, and the video is, again, pretty sweet.

3. The ArchAndroid: Suites II & III - Janelle Monáe
Picks: Whole Album

This album is an anomaly in multiple respects. A) It is a concept album released in the era of the single digital download. B) It is a concept album released by a hip-hop artist. C) It is a concept album with a Sci-Fi theme. The strangest thing you can say about this album is that it's a hip-hop sci-fi concept album that was released at the height of the digital download explosion. Just say that to a random passerby, and watch the look of sheer incredulity they'll give you. This album is a follow up to Monáe's 2008 EP Metropolis: The Chase Suite (a hip-hop sci-fi concept EP released at the beginning of the digital download explosion). The underlying story is that Monáe herself is from the year 2719, where she was cloned and sent back in time and now resides in a mental institution for the creatively insane (are you with me so far?). The clone is a human/android hybrid which has become the savior of the human race in the future (got it?). Sounds strange, I know. But this album is solid, cohesive, smart and beautiful. The cover is a clear tip-of-the-hat to Fritz Lang's 1927 film Metropolis. The first fourth of this album is a great onslaught of dance-beat underneath some of the best hip-pop released in the last year. Monáe (along with indie-rap artist Kid Sister) is doing a more artistic, less mass-market version of Lady Gaga; create a pop persona independent of your personal life. I would argue that Monáe does it with a bit more artistry and less attention to grabbing media attention. Monáe would never show up anywhere in a meat dress, but she might show up in futuristic garb, ready to churn out energetic dance-pop and inspired, soulful rapping.

2. Broken Bells - Broken Bells
Picks: Whole Album, with special attention to "Sailing to Nowhere" "The Ghost Inside" and "The Mall and Misery"

I reviewed this album back in March and speculated that it would still be at the top of this list at year's end, and while that isn't so, the album is still one of the best pop albums I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. You can read the original review for more in depth, but sufficed to say I would classify this as 2010's perfect indie-pop album. With this and Dark Night of the Soul both landing spots in my top five, I think it's safe to say that in today's music scene, you're nobody if you haven't collaborated with Danger Mouse on an album. If you like the idea of hot androids (like, say, if you really liked the look of the cover of the number 3 album), you can check out the video for "The Ghost Inside" with Mad Men's Christina Hendricks below.

1. The Suburbs - Arcade Fire
Picks: "The Suburbs" and "Modern Man"

I have already talked about how this album has had a particular effect on me at this particular point in my life. But there's more to it than the one line in the title track. There's the idea that this record is not about the suburbs but from the suburbs, as singer Winn Butler has said. And I hate to compare another album to OK Computer, so I won't except to say that this is the same kind of step from previous work that Radiohead took with their third album, only this is better. This is 2010's second perfect pop album, and is only hampered in its accessibility by its scope and ambition. I would say that it's the aural equivalent of reading D.J. Waldie's Holy Land: A Suburban Memoir (2005). Having grown up in, and now still living in, a suburb (I would go so far as to say that my current home is more suburban than my previous one, as I now live on a cul-de-sac on a street with fifty more or less identical houses), I see beyond that initial, forceful impact the album had on me to its second punch. Not that we were in great need of any validation of our angst and fears, but this is an album for anybody and everybody who grew up in the suburbs and find life in the real world slightly off-center from where we thought we'd be. Maybe we thought we'd be like Winn Butler, the rock star. Maybe we thought the college degree would guarantee us the perfect life. Maybe we were so blinded by the promise of what was to come that when we were growing up, we didn't take the time to notice that whatever "the perfect life" is, we had it pretty well made. Or not. There's a great line in the song "Modern Man" that goes "Like a record that's skipping I'm a modern man/and the clock keeps ticking I'm a modern man." I listen to that, and I decided, no more skipping. No more standing still. I've got a wonderful family and still plenty of opportunity in front of me. It's time to start taking advantage of that. And that, my friends, is why this is the album of the year.

Rounding Out the Top 10 of 2010:
Transference - Spoon

Hawk - Isobell Campbell & Mark Lanegan

Gorilla Manor - Local Natives

Brothers - The Black Keys

I Learned the Hard Way - Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings

Also Mentioned in this Post:

When I Say I'm In a Guild, Do Not Get Out Your WoW Nerd Glasses

2010-09-16T21:40:00.000-05:00

I went to my first ever St. Louis Writer's Guild meeting tonight. I kept wanting to go to events, but decided that family came first, especially since my family has just expanded.

But, Juliette turned six weeks old today. Pfft, old hat now! Daughter, I am so over you (For the record, extreme sarcasm, I will never, ever be over Juliette).

Well, every other month they have a speaker on a Thursday night, and tonight's speaker happened to be St. Louis Writer's Guild Historian Brad Cook's lecture about researching your novel. So, I figured I'd attend, it sounded interesting enough.

It was a lot of fun. It seems like it would be boring, a bunch of writers sitting in a Barnes & Noble, talking about methods of researching period-specific clothes, events, houses, etc. But it wasn't...it was a good time. And, I made a good impression on the people, I think. Everybody was happy to have somebody young there, anyway, so I guess it's up to me to bring some other young people in.

So, young readers (who are also writers maybe), anyone want to join the Guild with me? They have fun events, including readings in the Eliot room at the Schlafly Tap Room. So, a good excuse to hang out with other writers and drink beer...eh? Eh?

My training as a real estate record researcher came in handy, tonight. One of the other members of the guild asked how she could go about finding out who owned a particular house in the late nineteenth century. I talked to her afterwards about how to go about doing that, and she was very happy to have asked the question because I was so knowledgeable. Unfortunately, I can not take time out of my schedule to go do this search for her in Springfield, IL, which I think she was secretly hoping for, but the research experience will be good for her, I maintain.

Anyway, since I was out until nine this evening, there are some things that need to get done around the house which must get done before bed. And since it's almost bed time, I should get to it. So, I'ma go get to it.

See you all later.

New

2010-09-10T22:15:00.000-05:00

So, regular readers and link-clickers will be aware that my sister has a blog that is dedicated to her family, and in particular her daughters Madeline and Lydia.

I contemplated doing similar posts on this blog. I mean, why not? If anything, it would make me post more. But then, you'd probably get a lot of "Holy Crap, there was crap everywhere!" posts which, if you're coming for the writing, may not be what you're looking for.

Those who are glad to avoid reading such posts need read no further than the next sentence. You can keep coming here to read all about my writing, trials and tribulations with writing, excuses why I'm not writing, and occasional odd excerpts from my writing. Those who do want to read the kind of family oriented whatnot, can head over to StL Hipster Dad. The first post is actually a review of Arcade Fire's new album The Suburbs thinly veiled as sentimentality and love for my daughter. Enjoy!

Drifting Along...

2010-08-30T22:16:00.002-05:00

Paternity Leave

2010-08-17T23:28:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you've all noticed the sudden lack of new posts, and for that, I make no apology other than to say see my previous post. I've got very little time these days, it seems, with adjusting to this crazy awesome new little human being living in my house, with all the visitors streaming in bringing food and eager baby-yearning open arms, and with all the sleep I am not getting. So if the blog kind of falls to the wayside, you would do well, readers, to understand.

Just an update: Juliette is still doing great. Coming home was easier than I thought it would be, and at this point, it's hard to remember life without her. It's easy to see that I am enamored of her; my desktop background on my work computer has always been a silly picture from the internet but now it is my daughter. I even brought in my very first ever physical photograph in a frame and placed it on my desk - a picture of Juliette asleep on my chest. It's something special, I'll tell you, being a father. Even though I'm still very new at it, it's one of the most exciting adventures I've ever been on.

And the good things just seem to keep on happening, too. Monday, as I drove home from work (with the windows down and the radio up because even though it's August in St. Louis it was unseasonably gorgeous), the very first sentence of my novel fell from the sky, through my open moonroof and into my brain. I have been stuck on how to begin my novel since, well, since I began my novel. There's an event (it's no secret, I've said it before, the death of the narrator's father) that I was not sure where to place. Does it take place before the novel begins? In the first chapter? The first page? Later? The first sentence was my answer; the very first sentence saved my sanity and sparked my creativity.

You want to read my first sentence? Really? Okay.

Go buy my book when it comes out.

Zing!

But seriously, I think I'm done posting excerpts and rough chapter fragments from the book for a while. I need to hunker down and write the thing, so it gets done. I'd like to have a complete draft done by March, not completed but with enough polish and revision that it's readable and marketable. So no more dilly-dallying.

So...a few weeks ago I promised album reviews. I have not delivered. I have yet another album review I want to do, but I won't let myself until I get the two I promised done. So the third might just not happen.

Look for those at a future date.

Juliette Adrianna

2010-08-06T13:50:00.000-05:00

Juliette Adrianna

8/5/2010 at 7:17 AM

6 lbs 3 oz

19 3/4"

Baby, mom, and dad all doing well.

Modest Proposal Monday - Taxes

2010-07-26T08:00:00.045-05:00

I do not pretend to be the Jonathan Swift of the 21st Century. All I'm trying to be is the me of the 21st Century. That having been said, I love Swift's Modest Proposal and believe it to be one of the best pieces of pure snark of all time. Of all time.

So, with that in mind, a new feature that will crop up every once in a great while; Modest Proposal Mondays.

===

There has been a lot of discussion-political discussion-lately about the merits of our tax-based social systems. There are those on the left who believe the social services should be expanded, and paid for by those who have more than enough money to get by. You know, help your fellow man, all that good stuff that you find in that one book, I can't remember what it's called right now...oh, right, The Bible. On the right, you've got the people who think it's just a social safety net, and that it should be removed outright, that taxes should be lowered or eliminated. Then, there are those in the middle, who believe a moderate system of social security and government sponsored supports for those without means can take advantage of when needed. But certainly the most vocal support is coming from the right, and I've heard quite a lot of it.

And, strange enough, I'm starting to come around to their way of thinking.

So, today, I modestly propose that we give in to the ideology of the Tea Party movement, and completely abolish taxes and any services they may pay for.

I can already hear some of you complaining, but let's look at two services that are going to be cut that will actually be beneficial to everyone; road maintenance and education.

The way road maintenance is paid for now is through a national gasoline tax. States and local municipalities also use extra tax for this purpose. What that means is that federal highways are paid for by the national gas tax, state roads by the state tax, etc. This means that, depending on your state, county and city, you could be paying taxes four times on every gallon of gas you buy. What the crap? And how do you know that the money is being wisely spent? What about that tiny pothole in front of your house? Does that every get any federal, state, or local attention? Probably not! No, they're busy taking your money and rebuilding bridges you never use, paving roads you don't live near and making it easier for people you've never met to get to their jobs at companies you never do business with. Many of these people use these roads to go to their local unemployment offices to get more of your money just for sitting on their lazy asses, or they go to free, tax-payer financed clinics for medical care (something you pay for through your private health insurance), or they go to other Socialist meetings like poetry readings or, shock of shocks, the symphony (which, by the way, might also be partially financed through your municipal taxes).

So what I modestly propose is that we place a permanent moratorium on the gasoline taxes, and instead use the money we save on gasoline to pay a private company or individual to fix the roads we use every day. That way, you can find somebody who will make sure that your route to and from work is always smooth sailing, and you won't have to pay for construction on a highway you've never even heard of before.

Of course, many might suggest that people of lower incomes may not be able to afford to hire anybody to fix their roads. Well, their loss, right? They are saving just as much per gallon of gas as you are, there is no reason they shouldn't put that money towards road repair. If their jobs don't pay them enough, they should find new jobs that do! In fact, they could learn how to repair roads, which would solve a lot of problems! You could hire them to repair your road, which they will do while you are at work. When their work day is done, they already have the skills to go home and fix their own roads. And most employers offer discounts to their employees, so they will be getting a better rate than you will! It works out for everyone, see? Plus, with all the new companies springing up to fix roads, you'll be able to shop around and get the best price, rather than relying on the government's one price monopoly.

Now when it comes to education, I hear you whining, what are people who can't afford to send their children to private schools going to do when the liberal public schools close? Well, the children can always apply for scholarships if they're smart. And if they're not, the parents shouldn't have too much trouble paying for school once they start earning more money building roads that go from the teachers' houses to the school, right? It'll be fantastic for everyone! As far as higher education goes, many lower income students may not be able to attend college simply due to lack of funds. If they can't get a scholarship, they can apply for loans from a bank, which will be better than loans from the government because, again, you'll have many more options from which to choose! And if they still can't get into college, you don't need a bachelor's degree to fix roads, do you?

This doesn't just hold for roads, though. Fire departments, long a socialist establishment, will be privatized and only the best will be hired. Of course, with the many different departments which will be formed, you will have multiple pricing options to choose from should your home catch fire. So even the lower income families will be able to find cut rate fire protection should they need it. Same goes for police protection, lending libraries (lower late fees because you pay for each book you borrow!)...the list goes on.

When you replace one government controlled institution with multiple privatized options, you get a variety of pricepoints and services which better serve the community, and you will always be assured that you are getting the best deal you can possibly afford. Not to mention that with so many companies being formed, unemployment will virtually vanish! It's the ultimate in no-lose situations!

Game Night

2010-07-22T08:00:00.001-05:00

If you'll recall, last year I blogged about the Whitaker Music Festival which happens on Wednesdays in the summer here in the StL at the Botanical Gardens. Unfortunately, this year we've only attended twice; once with some family in town and once on a somewhat cool evening with a group of friends. Otherwise, it has been uniformly too hot and humid or, as was the case this last evening, too wet. Normally, we'd brave the heat but with the extra oppressiveness this year and with the baby still kicking a hole through Kathy's stomach, it just hasn't been feasible to attend.

So tonight, rather than sit around twiddling our thumbs by ourselves, Kathy and I invited Bunny and Bee over for dinner and board games. Bee brought along her new friend of the opposite sex, whom she refers to as McCartney on her blog so, why not? So, Bunny, Bee and McCartney come over...wait. That doesn't work. We've got a forest animal, a stinging insect, and then the last name of one of the greatest rock 'n' rolling Brits to ever grace us with his musical talents. Maybe I'll call him...Anglerfish. Just to stay with the animal motif.

See, this is why I don't make up nicknames on the blog...nicknames are something I'm no good at. So, in the interest of keeping it simple while protecting identities, Bunny is now J, Bee is now B, and Anglerfish is now C.

Got it?

So, A,B,C, and D were walking down the street when they ran into a very scared looking number. "What's your name?" A asked. "Six..." the number responded. "Why are you so scared?" B asked the number. Six looked around. "I'm afraid of seven..." There was a moment of silence. "Um...why are you afraid of seven?" C asked. "Good question," D nodded. Six looked around. "Because....seven ate nine!"

Whoa...where did I go there?

Okay, so, J, B, and C came over for some lasagna, though J decided against it because she has some sort of noodle phobia. Let's face it, I surround myself with interesting people. So she had a salad. The rest of us, being unafraid of noodles, consumed noodles. Then we had hot fudge sundaes for dessert. Now, we had a choice of vanilla or chocolate chip. Kathy asked for half and half. Um, Kathy? Chocolate chip is vanilla ice cream with chips of chocolate in it. But trying to use logic like that with a pregnant woman is a bad idea, I found out. So let that be a lesson to you.

After that, we listened to some jazz and classical records while playing Clue and Apples to Apples. Have you ever played Apples to Apples? That's a freaking amazingly awesome game. The basic premise of it is that one person reads a word from a green card, like, say, "Peaceful." Then the other players have to put down a red card with a word they think matches it in some way. Then the person who puts down the green card reads all the red cards, picks the best one, and thus the person who put the winning card down wins. So, "Peaceful" is the word, and let's say there are four other people playing. Somebody puts down, "Bedtime," while another person puts down "The Ocean." The third person puts down "My High School Prom" and the last person puts down "Ziggy Stardust." The strategy comes in about the second round, when you've seen how everybody chooses. Some people would pick something like "Bedtime" for that one while others would go for Ziggy Stardust every time. It's the best game of all time. Of all time.

So, we stayed cool and dry and still got to listen to some good music, while playing fun board games and getting to know C, who in turn got to be judged by myself, Kathy and J. I'm sure he had fun, though...right?

Right.

7/17

2010-07-17T13:27:00.000-05:00

Today, I woke up early and mowed the lawn. I ran to Schnucks and picked up some milk, Bisquick, and Lindt truffles. I wished my wife a happy anniversary.

I got her a new camera. This may seem a bit much, considering we've got a monster digital SLR, but that's hard to tote around with you everywhere. So I got her a good pocket-sized digital. I got her a four gig memory card and a neoprene case she can carry it around in. Which will be good for when she and I are out with a kid.

She got me a much greater gift, though. I feel like she outdid me.

She gave me a membership in the St. Louis Writer's Guild.

She's awesome.

To celebrate our anniversary, we're actually going to spend a couple hours apart this afternoon. See, she's having a baby shower thrown for her, at our house, hosted by her friends Melinda and Heather. So while that's going on, Drew (Heather's boy friend) and I are going to go do something manly. We haven't totally decided yet, so maybe what we're going to do is be indecisive together. Though we might play mini golf. Afterward, Heather, Drew, Kathy and I (and possibly others) will be going out to dinner.

Happy 6th anniversary, Kathy!

Upcoming...

2010-07-17T02:51:00.000-05:00

I am working on two album reviews which should be up some time next week. I've got a busy weekend ahead, otherwise I'd finish them.

For the record, I will be reviewing Janelle Monáe's album The ArchAndroid: Suites II and III and Bettye Lavette's Interpretations: The British Songbook. So familiarize yourself with those two artists quickly.

Thanks.

Shower

2010-07-11T23:44:00.000-05:00

An update on the novel (which still has the working title Before Rock Attained Perfection but I'm determined to do better than that): This novel is being written, right now, in bits and pieces and it is presenting, as such, problems of cohesion. I keep trying to tell too much about the story rather than just tell the story in the pieces I'm turning out because they've yet to flow together. But in the past few weeks, I've had a series of breakthroughs on things like plot, character development, themes, etc, so I'm confident this cohesiveness problem will be easily rectified.

Speaking of breaking through a creative impediment, my most recent epiphany about the book came about this afternoon while I was showering. Not something many of my readers want to picture, I'm sure, but I am still going to talk about it, so ye be warned. No, I will not go into graphic detail about what I was wearing in the shower (which was, for the record, nothing, not even cut-offs), but I will go into the epiphany, and why I think it happened.

So I've been thinking a lot about the novel (obviously) and yesterday, one of my good friends whom I have known since I was twelve (almost thirteen, back in 7th grade) got married to a guy I wholeheartedly approve of. So that's good. We were close through high school and she was there for me when I needed her in my listless post-high school graduation pre-college funk with an invite to see the stage show Blast, and she came to visit me in Minnesota on her fall break (and inadvertently made my current wife jealous, because Kathy thought this friend was my girlfriend and Kathy, it turns out, wanted that job to be hers). So there was a lot of good feelings about this wedding, plus I got to see my best friend from high school Zach (the bass player in my old band The Hitchhikers, which I may or may not have mentioned on the blog before) plus some other good friends from back in the day. So with these good thoughts and old memories running through my head all day yesterday, and all night, I got up this morning (late) and got to working on the garden.

There is something to be said about working in a garden; feeling the dirt in your hands, holding the plants in your palms and feeling their life. It's...calming. And that's a big deal for me to say, because (as my parents are quick to point out) I would never, ever have voluntarily done any kind of gardening or yardwork, whatsoever, when I lived with them. And Kathy would agree...it takes a lot to get me out to do that kind of work and for some reason, I always forget how rewarding it can be. But working in the garden (not mowing the lawn, which is just sweaty or raking leaves, which is just painful) can really help me clear my mind a little.

After that, I took a shower, which is relaxing in a different way. Gardening relaxes my mind; a shower relaxes my body. So I was in there, relaxed mind and relaxed body, singing some Moody Blues softly to myself, when all of a sudden, a solution to one of the problems of my novel presented itself. The water was running down my back and over my shoulders and it just came t me.

I'll just go ahead and tell you a little bit about what I mean. There's a problem of the narrator's father believes that Rock music reached a pinnacle in 1976, and that since then it has been on a rapid downward spiral. The reason presented for this in the original short story on which the novel is founded is that Led Zeppelin's album Presence contained the greatest achievement of rock music, "Achilles Last Stand." But I needed there to be more to it than that, so I found a way for the narrator to discover his father's true reasons. I will say no more now. But I'm excited to get working on it.

Anyway...if your head is ever in a funk, do something with a little bit of a Zen feel to it. Rock garden. Real garden? Try it. Then take a shower. It seems to help me.

Comment Moderation

2010-07-08T19:20:00.000-05:00

I had a few little problems with comments on my blog after I set up moderation. The e-mails were going into my spam folder for some reason. Some of you may have posted a comment only to find days later that it still hadn't actually posted. In fact, I've gotten quite a lot of comments since I turned on the moderation, I just didn't know I had them until my blogger dashboard told me I had eleven comments waited to be approved. Oops. Sorry everybody. Anyway, if you comment and it doesn't show up right away, that's normal. If you comment and it doesn't show up for a few days, then either I've dropped the ball or your comment was spam. Try to avoid that last one.

The "Joy" of Classical Music

2010-07-06T21:55:00.001-05:00

There are certain forms of art that have no place. I wouldn't even call them art, because they're not artful. They're not even commercially artful, though some (those who make money off such "art") would argue. I'm talking about "art" with a blatant, in your face message. Art like the Left Behind novels and movies. Art like Christian Rock music.

The reason I bring all this up is because I just listened to Dvorák's Symphony for the New World, Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue and I am currently listening to Beethoven's 9th Symphony, after which the only commercial Classical radio station in the entire United States of America will cease broadcasting to become a Lutheran Church-funded Christian Rock station. This is kind of a sad thing to happen. And by kind of, I mean, very.

Classical music has always been a large part of my life. Music in general has, but I have many memories of listening to this radio station (Classic 99.1 KFUO) from my youth. Many people growing up know classical music from Loony Toons. I knew it from the radio and the symphony and the records and tapes and CDs in my parents' music library. I knew it from concerts my father would play in. I knew it as a listener and then I knew it as a performer. Tchaikovsky, Shostakovich, Mozart, Beethoven, Rimsky-Korsakov, Dvorák, Mussorgsky, Hindemith, Salieri...so much more. And I was always able to discover new music by flipping over to the classical station.

The fact that tomorrow morning I'll have one less viable radio station to listen to makes me sad. I refuse to listen to Christian Rock, because there is no artistry. The intent is so heavy-handed, there's no room for interpretation. Each and every song is a love song to Jesus, God, Faith...what pain there is seems to be referenced in passing, removed by Jesus. Where's the humanity in that art? For what is the purpose of art if not to hold a mirror up to reality? And I know, in reality, many people find joy in Faith. Fine. Many people find joy in a well written piece of music. And many musicians and composers believe their talent to be a gift from God. And with that, I have no qualms. My sadness comes from the idea that the owners of the new Joy FM feel the need to remind us of God. To quote Douglas Adams, "Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?" Except, in this case, do we have to hang sings on the plants that there are fairies at work? It cheapens the beauty of the flowers.

As I understand it, most Christian Rock bands are put together the same way that other tasteless mass market pop is put together; some people who want to make money put together a marketable package of pseudo musicians with only enough talent to do exactly as they are told. Somebody else writes their music for them, and all they do is record it and perform it. So the artistry is not even there at the beginning. Just get a good looking group of people with decent singing voices and the ability to cover the instrumentation you need, and (in the case of Christian Rock) make sure they're clean cut and regular churchgoers.

Never mind the fact that a few short decades ago, the predecessors of the people now putting together these rock groups decried rock and roll as "the devil's music." I really want to know what late 70's tech geek and person of faith engineered his record player to play Hotel California backwards to hear "Worship Satan" over and over. Let's just skip that part and get to Joy FM.

Why did this happen in St. Louis? This is tantamount to the symphony hall closing and becoming a church. Or the art museum becoming a tabernacle. I am sad, I am indignant, and I am sad. In that order.

Sorry this wasn't more coherent. I just don't know what else to say without inflaming any anti-religion v religion debates. For the record, I am an atheist who loves classical music, so of course I oppose this. But many people of faith oppose this as well, mostly because we already have radio and television outlets in St. Louis for religious expression. Now we have no easily accessible outlet for classical music. Sure, there's internet radio and satellite radio and HD radio and CD and mp3, but not everybody can gain access to these things. It's just sad.

Days of Future Passed

2010-07-02T22:09:00.000-05:00

That is the title of my current favorite album.

Let us be clear on one thing; my all time, Desert Island, Number One With a Bullet, House is Burning Down Only Have Time To Grab One Album is still Sunny Day Real Estate's Diary. But just like how in April my favorite album was Broken Bells, in May it was The Decemberist's Picaresque, and in June it was The Best of Buddy Rich (the LP I got for Record Store Day...that was a hard month because, as stated before, it's not available on CD or mp3 in album form though I could piece-meal it together I guess), this month it's turning out to be the epic concept album from 1967, Days of Future Passed by Moody Blues.

I know what you're thinking. Well, no, no I don't. But I can guess what some of you are thinking. And by some, I mean, I'm going to mentally divide all of my readers into three groups, each based on what I am guessing that you are thinking as you read this.

Group A: "Right on, man! Groovy!"

Group B: "But...that's kind of schlocky and gimmicky and pretentious...I mean, it ends with a poem about a 'Cold Hearted Orb that Rules the Night' and then a gigantic gong blast. What the hell?"

Group C: "Dude, I have no idea who those dinosaurs are. Wait...you were alive in 1967? I knew you were old, but sheesh.

To those groups I say (respectively), "Totally," "Yeah but it's still so good," and "Duh, what do you think I did after the Boer Wars ended? That's when I got into music. That Tchaikovsky sure was a devilish whipper-snapper in his younger days. Oh, wait, jerk, I'm not even thirty years old yet, I just happen to have been raised on awesome music, much like my child will be."

The point is...um...wait. Let me try and catch my train of thought. Now, let's see...favorite album...June...whipper-snapper...oh yeah!

The point is that whenever I listen to this album, strong images are conjured up in my mind. I remember my mother had this on tape and would listen to it and kind of lazily dance around the house as she went about her day. I have very vivid memories of her standing in front of the stereo (which was under the stairs at the time, which won't make sense without a detailed architectural history of my parents' house which I am not willing to go into at this point, though know that the stairs were white with brown carpeting for a time before they were stripped of carpeting and painted, inexplicably except so far as it was the late 1980's, deep magenta) and singing "Tuuuuuuues-day A-aaaaaaaaaaafternoooooooooon!" along with the tape. Eventually, we moved the stereo, got a CD player and even tore out the magenta stairs and put in normal stairs to a better floor-planned upstairs (the house is not on the market, yet here I am selling it to you). And with the CD player, my mother upgraded from tape to CD, and still continued to sing along.

So I know this album intimately, it's part of the geography of my musical mind. I like to think that if, for some reason you wanted to do this, you could crack my head open and find the part of my brain that remembers music, lower a stylus into the correct groove and you'd hear this entire album perfectly.

The only problem is, I haven't heard the entire album perfectly as it was originally released. You see, in 1978 the album was remixed, and that new mix has become the prevalent recording now sold and heard everywhere. The original was only ever released on vinyl and 8-Track tape. Since then, of course, we've had tape, CD, SACD, digital music...and it's all been the 1978 remixing. But people who are familiar with both mostly agree that the original mix is superior. Now, why don't they just record it from the original masters? They had deteriorated, which is why it was remixed in the first place. The only option now, and it's not one likely to see any official action, would be to find an original pressing on vinyl in excellent condition and transfer it that way. It's been done; many recordings from the early part of the 20th century were done direct to wax record, transferred to lacquer and (eventually) to vinyl, and that's the only form in which they existed until somebody came along to release a compilation (and I just heard a story on NPR about somebody doing this, but I can't for the life of me remember who, nor can I find a link to it on their music site). So, it could be done.

The only problem with that, of course, is that since the remixed recording has been around and dominant for 32 years, it's not easy to find a good copy of the original record. I think I've talked about it before, maybe not, how vinyl is a self-destructive medium; every time you listen to a record, you destroy it a little (and also the needle), and also every dust particle could wreak havoc on the quality, not to mention that vinyl is big and unwieldy and fragile (not a good combination). So the likelihood of a 33-43 year old record existing in excellent condition is not good. Add to that the relative desirability of this item; anyone who has it probably wants to keep it, any one who wants it and finds a copy for sale will likely snatch it up in a heartbeat. So I have yet to hear the original mix. Which is sad, because I want to incorporate the album into my novel.

That's what got me into the album recently; I was looking for some classic rock to incorporate into a scene and was scrolling through my iTunes (it's still much easier to keep music organized digitally than it ever will be physically, plus I have almost ten years' worth of downloads and CD rips that I am never going to fully replace with vinyl) and chanced on the cover art, which gave me a chill. Oh yeah, that's the other thing about this album; when we got it on CD, my mom would put it on I would sit in front of the stereo and stare at the cover art. Because this was cover art designed for a record, it's intricately detailed and kind of psychedelic. So I listened to it, all the way through. It's quite the album. It reminded me that alums like The Decemerist's The Hazards of Love and Janelle Monae's The ArchAndroid (a fantastic and amazing album, one of the best of the year) have a rich lineage that reaches back to classical music. In fact, Days of Future Passed was originally commissioned to be a rock rendition of Dvorak's New World Symphony. But the band decided to instead continue their work on what was to be a stage show they had been kicking around for a while. They didn't abandon the idea of classical music, though; this album is rich in orchestral layers; strings, horns, winds, it's all there.

So, I got into it, and started doing some research, and found this discrepancy in the mix. It fits in perfectly with part of my storyline.

But now I feel like I need to hear the original release. But I won't let that stop me! Onward and Upward! On...onward and upward.

:::cries softly in the shower:::

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Link Shuffle

2010-07-01T19:20:00.001-05:00

Every so often, I reorganize my links. I don't bring this up as an idle topic; no, in fact, I just messed with it. Take a look.

First off, I took down some links. I took down some links to sites I used to frequent quite a bit but have stopped checking. I also removed some blogs that have not seen an update in a really long time. If I took your link off, and you're upset, leave a passive-aggressive comment on this post and I'll reinstate the link.

But, I also added two new links! First up, Gerald (remember Gerald?), who's now had three or four, um, hundred blogs that he's taken off the internets, is back on the internets with his Art Blog. Pretty sweet stuff, so check it out here.

Also new is Provocative & Talkative, which chronicles the life and times of a new(ish) friend of mine (by that I mean that we have known each other for a little over two years now, but have just recently started hanging out and, it turns out, we're good friends). She very cleverly invents nicknames for all the people she blogs about, so as not to open herself up to Google stalking. Me? I apparently don't mind that much. You can find her here.

Also new, and I hate to do this, but I've enabled comment moderation and also word verification. The reason I hate to do this is because I believe in the openness of the internets. But the reason I have to do this is because (I'm sure regular commenters have noticed) there has been an increase in the number of spam comments on my blog, complete with Asian characters and embedded links to questionable sites. Not what I want my blog to be about. Rest assured, all new and returning readers, that I would say that if you are a real person and you make a comment that is truly, well, real, I will allow it. Any comments with links in them, I will have to check the link before I approve it but, again, chances are good that you will be approved. If you're a bot of some kind, you lose! You get NOTHING!

That's it for now. I promise to have some real posts coming up sometime soon.

A (very) Short Excerpt

2010-06-26T02:06:00.001-05:00

from a current work in progress

===

Ryan turned his eyes to me, narrowing them. "But how did you know?" he asked me in the tone he always reserved for questions to which the answers never satisfied.

"How does anybody really know?" I stalled. He didn't buy it. "She touched my arm."

Ryan's reaction was a jumble of surprise, skepticism, and confusion. I rubbed the spot on my arm, to assure one of us that the arm really was there to be touched. "Excuse me, I'm gonna need some clarification," he asked.

"We were having coffee one night, years ago, and talking about paradise, agreeing that it was completely unattainable. And then she shattered the consensus by touching my arm and taking me there." I continued rubbing the spot on my left arm where her coffee-warmed hand had wrapped around my winter-kissed flesh, just below the sleeve of my t-shirt.

"Where?"

For a second, I could smell the coffee shop, the chai tea cakes I had also fallen in love with that night, my stale frozen and dried sweat from the show, her perfume which I found out later to be called "Heaven." I could feel her hand on me, her lips against mine. Ryan asked again and I was brought back to the noise of the DC dive bar. I looked hard at the sagging ceiling tiles and the yellowing beer pitcher half empty between us.

"Where?"

"Paradise," I said. "One perfect moment. She touched my arm, and took me to paradise."

Ryan's right hand moved toward my left arm, his fingers twitching in response to some impulse in his muscle memory or cerebral cortex. I wanted him to feel the spot where she had touched me, to see if he could still feel her energy. Maybe he could find himself on the edge of paradise, looking in at me and Katie Mason, sitting at a Formica table, coffee cups half filled between us, her hand on my arm. Instead, he grabbed the pitcher of Stag and emptied it into our glasses. He picked his up and held it out towards me. "To one perfect moment," he said.

"To one perfect moment." I moved my glass to meet his and we drank. I wanted the juke box to be playing "Maps" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, her favorite song. I wanted her to walk through the door, look around, and find me. Instead, a group of Yankees fans in the corner belted along with "You Give Love a Bad Name." Bon Jovi never fails to ruin my best laid fantasies. "And one more, to paradise," I added.

"Wherever it may be," Ryan said, our glasses touching again. We both drained our beers and decided to go back to the hotel.

"Think Johnny and Adam are awake?" I asked.

"Johnny's awake," Ryan said, pointing past the raucous group in the corner. Johnny was sitting at a table behind them, across from a girl with dark blonde hair highlighted in pink. "Come on, let's go." And Ryan started towards the door, throwing a twenty on the table.

I lingered, watching Johnny and the girl through the laughing crowd. He was cool, uninterested, his eyes darting around the room. His glance fell on me for a moment, continued it's journey and then jolted back to me. I smiled at him, waved. He nodded nonchalantly. I wasn't sure if he didn't want the girl to know I was there, or if he didn't want her to know he wasn't really paying attention. Just as I was about to turn around and leave, I saw her reach out to him, put her left hand on his right arm, between his wrist and elbow. She laughed and pressed her hand to him, and he smiled cooly at her and looked fleetingly in her direction.

===

This will make more sense in context, I am sure, but I felt this little bit was exceptional, given the quality of my writing lately. Let's hope this becomes more the norm.

Oh, and if you think it sucks and is terrible, don't tell me. This is the best I've been able to do on the novel for a few weeks now. Be kind to the fragile writer.

New Routines...No, Really, I'm trying not to be kidding this time!

2010-06-21T19:09:00.001-05:00

New routine: arrive home from work approx. 5:20-6:00 PM. Feed/snuggle cat. Feed/snuggle wife (and, eventually, kid). Approx. 7:00 PM retire to basement for writing or exercising, each requiring different soundtrack (Rock Records for exercising, classical or silence for writing unless project requires other stimulus e.g. writing about Rock requiring, well, Rock). Approx 9:00-10:00 PM return upstairs. Feed/snuggle kitty. Snuggle wife (and eventually kid).

Post blog approx. three times (3X) weekly.

Snack sparingly on salty or sweet treats. Eat more fruits/veggies (bag of carrots instead of six handfuls of Mike & Ikes, those devil and/or heaven-sent candy goodies).

Read before bed (either to myself or out loud to wife and eventually kid). After midnight (weeknights) turn off light and try to sleep.

No, really.

Really.

Also, should join a writers' group. Need to have workshop to motivate me. Beer a plus.

Remembrance

2010-05-19T17:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

There has been a lot going on right now, with getting ready for the baby's arrival, so apologies to you. Right now Kathy and I are in the midst of a home-improvement blitz so that we can actually have a safe home in which to raise a small child. You know, baby-proofing, moving hazards out of the way of a child on the move, that sort of thing. One of the dangers that resided in our house was our cat Acrodyl. The only people he liked were myself and Kathy, and that was only about 90% of the time (less so with Kathy, though when he liked her he loved her. He tolerated my father, which was good for when we would go out of town. But we did not feel comfortable with the idea of having a very scared, angry cat around a baby.

See, Acrodyl was a rescue cat. He had been a litter of one, separated from his mother too soon and then abused. But at the shelter, he was taken care of very well and when we adopted him in 2004, he was very sweet. But the damage had been done in his youth, and loud noises and sudden movements always scared him. He was content sitting and laying quietly, playing with a string or a ball or a laser pointer, but he was not a cat who was into being played with physically. He took it as a threat. And a couple years ago, unaware of this, one of our friends played a little rough with him and he could never be around strangers again without hissing, swatting, screaming, lunging and biting. He had very powerful teeth, too, made sharp by the fact that he never chewed his food (he only licked it until it was soft and then swallowed it). He was not without other problems; he had a respiratory infection when we first adopted him and always had a little bit of a rasp in his breath. He was fickle about cleanliness in his litter box, to the point where he would develop bladder infections rather than use it. He got his tail caught in the bathroom door once and ran away from it, leaving a section behind (that required surgery, three days of sedation, two weeks of a head cone and three weeks of antibiotics). But he remained sweet, especially in the evenings, toward us, and we loved him. Amethyst, his little long-haired sister we adopted in December 2008, loved playing with him, chasing him around, and trying to do the things he did and he sort of tolerated her. I have pictures of them cuddling to prove it.

In December, when we found out we were expecting our first child, we were faced with a decision about what to do with the cat. We contemplated keeping him, because he was a part of the family and had been since our second week in our first home. He would greet me each evening by kneading his paws over my the laced part of my shoes (always the chagrin when he saw I was wearing sandals). He would snuggle up against Kathy's neck and purr louder than any cat I've ever heard, kneading her neck and shoulder every night. We didn't want to say goodbye to him.

But we knew it had to be done, and his mood swings got worse. When he was in a bad mood, it was sometimes terrifying to see. It was like there were two cats, one sweet and gentle and the other terrified and desperate. Only I could calm him down when he was in a mood like that. What would happen if he got in a mood like that when Kathy and the baby were home alone?

No shelters would take him because he was no longer adoptable. He was too scared of others to know that nobody was trying to hurt him. Some days, just trying to pet him made him feel threatened. So we made the hard decision and on April 28, 2010, Kathy, Amethyst and I said goodbye to him.

The saddest part of this isn't how much we cried that day, or how Amethyst wandered the house looking for him for a little bit, or how she's been afraid of strangers since that day (my father came over to pick me and Acrodyl up, and I came home alone, perhaps she got the wrong impression?), or the lack of shoe rubs. No, the saddest part is how easily we've adapted, how his memory pops up in this little instances that make it more painful than if we were constantly thinking about him. The other day, I was looking for a pencil in my desk drawer and found the pet microchip tag Acrodyl came with and subsequently chewed off his collar. The first time I cleaned the litter box afterward, I cried over scooping up the last of his poop. I cried over poop...who does that? We were working on our closet system the other night, listening to music on my computer, and my screensaver came on. It's the picture slideshow, and there were pictures of him every third or fourth one. I miss him. Kathy misses him. Amethyst misses him.

Worse is when we're doing something that Acrodyl used to involve himself in, like folding sheets. He used to get angry at us for doing that, because he just wanted to lay on them, and of course he reacted as if we were threatening him. The other night, we were folding sheets, and Amethyst was playfully trying to stop us. No fear, just playfulness, and we very easily distracted her. We both thought, "How easy is this without him?" One of us said something and the other concurred. What wasn't said, but I'm sure we both thought, was, "I don't care that it's easy. I miss him."

So, to get it out and provide a bit more closure, I'm going to list some of the things about him that were cute, hilarious, unique, and not sad.

The first day we had him, which was my first time meeting him, my sister and her husband came over to play board games, and Acrodyl fell asleep in my lap on the floor, purring.

He was so little at first, he couldn't get up on the bed. We had to help him up, but the joke was on us; he'd get up there, stand on a chest (whichever was most convenient), fart, and then run away.

We used to find him, on hot days, curled up in the bathroom sink. This got harder when we moved into the house, because he got bigger and the sink was more square, but he kept at it.

We bought him a crinkle bird, which is a kind of a cat toy, on his first day with us, which he loved dearly for three hours and then which he promptly lost. We never saw it again.

He used to put his paws in the food bowl when he ate. He tried this once with his water bowl, and was displeased with the result.

After a long day of Kathy and I running errands and being in and out of the house, Acrodyl would lay down on the rug in front of the door as if to say, "No more leaving!"

Every Christmas, Acrodyl would fall asleep on a pile of spent wrapping paper.

Always curious, Acrodyl jumped on top of the box our television came in, only to have the flaps give out underneath him. He spent three hours in the box, sleeping until Kathy called his name.

One night, at the apartment, when I got home late from work, he was so happy to see me he ran outside into the foyer when the door was open. I didn't notice until half an hour later, when he hadn't come to bed. I found him in the foyer, asleep in the corner, safe and sound and only a little annoyed.

The first time we brought home KFC Popcorn Chicken, Acrodyl went crazy for it. He kept sneaking up on us, leaping over our laps to grab pieces from our hands. It was the only people-food he liked.

We had the front door of the house open last summer, and Amethyst scampered out into the front yard. Acrodyl bolted out after her and chased her back inside. We had a hawk circling our neighborhood which Acrodyl had seen previously.

When he was sleeping, you could run your hand down his back and he would wake up with a noise that was half a purr, half a meow.

His favorite toys (beyond the misplaced crinkly bird) were twist ties.

Acrodyl figured out the laser pointer. He would play with the dot, but mostly, he looked at the thing in your hand and tried to figure out a way to get it. If you set it down on a flat surface he could get to, he would knock it to the floor and start batting it around.

He loved wet cat food, but would only lick away all the juices, leaving the meat alone. It was the wet part he liked.

Every evening at bed time, Kathy or I would grab a cup of water. Acrodyl always loved to drink out of the cup, sticking his head in it. He tried to teach Amethyst, but she just always stuck her paw in the water. She was a trying pupil and he was a patient teacher.

Acrodyl would watch movies with us. I don't mean that he would come downstairs and hang out while we watched movies, no; he would lie down on the love seat, face the television, and watch the movie. He really seemed to like Jane Austen films and the new Star Wars trilogy (for which he can be forgiven, as he did not know a world without the new trilogy).

From the day he joined the family, the only nights I spent sleeping without him nestled on the bed with me were nights spent not in my own bed. I could count on him never being more than three or four feet away from me when I woke up in the mornings, ready for some food. He never got too close when it was too hot, and he could never get too close when it was cold.

When I was younger, the first cat I remember loving was named Barney, and he died when I was in first grade. My first grade teacher, Mrs. Thum, gave me a book about a kid dealing with the death of his cat, called "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney" which really helped me. It might have been the first time I realized that a good book can have an emotional impact. Though at the time, I guess I didn't quite process it like that. I just knew that it felt good to read of somebody struggling the same way I was struggling. I came back the next school year and read it to her class. I don't know where my copy of it is...I assume it is at my parents' house, though in all fairness it might be buried in a plastic box in my basement. You never know. But anyway, it was a great book at that time and just thinking about it now gives me a little comfort. So how many good things did I come up with about Acrodyl just now? Quite a few, it seems. Which is nice. I like that. I like remembering those things. I never want to forget them.

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